SEMICONSCIOUS

Half way between conscious and unconscious
is where I sit and stand and walk around

and spend my day. “Uh oh!” “Uh oh!”
I say that because right here, right now
I’m conscious that most of the time I’m semiconscious.
Looking out at life through my front windshield,
I see the road in front of me. I hear your words
and your suggestions. I say, “Yes” and I show up –
but often I’m not really here? I don’t know
how many moments, meals, conversations,
jobs, times in church, I was really somewhere else.
“Sorry! And then another, “Sorry!”
And as I’m telling you this right now
I’m aware of this right now.
But most of the time I guess I only wake up
when I hear words like “cancer”, “death” and “divorce” –
loud shouts and baseball bat like knocks
on my door in the middle of the night.
Christ wake me up.* Christ, walk and work with me,
to move me from semiconscious to conscious.
So does this mean my vows really don’t count?
Does this mean I have to step back
and re-decision my life – my words – my love –
my work – my decisions? “Uh oh!”
This is an “Uh oh!” moment.
And when I say, “Uh oh!” I’m conscious.
And to be conscious can be uncomfortable.
No wonder I prefer to be semiconscious –
to slide and ride along living half a life or even
to sink down deeper into unconsciousness.
Now that’s a big double, “Uh oh! Uh oh!”

© Andy Costello, Reflections 2010

* Cf. The Book of Revelation 3: 20-22 –

better the whole unconscious dreamylike images

and calls from Christ to the Churches in this book.