STICKY! STICKY!
OPENING: STATING THE PROBLEM
Today’s readings for this 23 Sunday in Ordinary Time A challenge us with one of life’s stickiest problems: to warn or not to warn; to correct or not to correct; to blow the whistle or not to blow the whistle?
Who wants to rock the boat? Who wants to upset the apple cart? Who wants to be called nosey or a busybody? Who of us wants to be seen as a snitch? Didn’t Jesus say, “Let the one without sin cast the first stone”?
A mom is shopping with two close friends at a mall a good two hours away from where they live. It’s lunch time, so one of the ladies says, “I know a good restaurant just down the road from here.”
The restaurant is crowded – but the three get seated in a back corner. “Uh, oh!” Over the top of her menu, the mom sees her married daughter in a booth on the other side of the restaurant with a man other than her husband. And they are being “lovey dovey”. The daughter doesn’t spot her mother. And thank goodness, the other two ladies don’t spot the mother spotting her daughter and the man she’s with.
So the mother tries to keep cool and not let the other ladies know what she’s noticing. Her daughter is not facing her. The mother sees them stand up to leave. They are holding hands on the way out. Arms and shoulders are touching. She mutters to herself another inner, “Uh, oh!” They go outside – out of view for a moment – but surprise, she sees both of them through the restaurant window in the parking lot giving each other a kiss goodbye. Both get into their separate cars. Yes, it’s her daughters maroon Camry.
Obviously, the mom didn’t enjoy the lunch with her friends. The other two ladies didn’t seem to notice. She was wondering, “What do I do now? What about the 3 grandkids? Is the marriage finished? Keep cool! Keep calm. Do I tell my daughter or someone who might do something, if something could be done?” Obviously, she didn’t taste the chef salad she ordered – nor the pie a la mode she had for dessert out of nervousness. What to do?
A husband, a boss, a priest, a wife, a son, a daughter, a parent, is drinking too much. What to do?
A college basketball referee is gambling. He doesn’t know it, but another referee, whom he is going to do a game with, is around a corner on the other side of the locker room. Thinking he is alone he makes a phone call to place some bets before the game. The other referee overhears him. During the game he keeps wondering about some key calls the other ref makes. Is he or isn’t he? What to do?
An accountant in a big company begins to spot some “funny” numbers. Are we begin “Enroned”? Are we? But she has one kid in college and two kids in a private high school and her husband is out of work the last four months and so she really needs this job. What to do?
HOMILETIC REFLECTIONS
Today’s readings deal with this basic issue of speaking up – of warning others – of blowing the whistle – of correcting others.
In today’s first reading, Ezekiel is appointed watchman for the house of Israel. He is called upon to watch the people and when wicked, to warn them. This is the prophet’s calling; this is the prophet’s job.
Still stronger, Ezekiel says, if the watchman sees a danger and doesn’t sound a warning, he or she is responsible for all the disasters and damage that result.
As one glides through the Old Testament, this image of the watchman on the walls of the city is common. Like a rooster he cries out when “Morning has broken!” But his main job was to walk the walls or stand in a watchtower and spot possible enemies. The watchman was the eyes and ears of a city.
And obviously, prophets being poets, would use this image of watchman for their call to warn the people of sins that could destroy them.
Prophets and preachers are called to yell out “the Word of the Lord”. They are called to speak “the Mind of God”. They are to tell people “the Will of God”. This is an awesome responsibility. At times it can be awfully dangerous. It can land a prophet in jail or in a pit or on a cross.
Is warning others everyone’s call? Is it the call of the every Christian?
Today’s gospel touches on this touchy situation as well: the call to correct a brother or sister who sins against us.
But let’s be honest, who of us wants to correct others? Who wants to be told, “Mind your own business?” Who wants to be called “a mud slinger”? Who wants to run the risk of having mud thrown back in one’s face? People who live in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones or mud.
PRACTICAL APPLICATIONS
Today’s readings give us the issue, the motive and a method for warning, confronting or blowing the whistle on another person.
Ezekiel tells us when to do it. Paul tells us why to do it. Jesus tells us how to do it.
Ezekiel tells us to warn people when they are in deadly danger. It’s very simple: we scream when it’s a matter of life and death.
It can also be very complicated. We hesitate when we are not sure whether it’s a matter of life and death.
If we see a kid out in the street and a car is heading right at her, we scream or run out to save the kid or try to stop the car. When we see kids playing with matches, we grab the matches. But what about letting kids learn the hard way? Sometimes it might be the best way. We’ve all seen cute scenes in old movies when a father lets a little kid take a sip of his beer and the kid goes, “Uooh, uooh, ugly taste!”
Kids need to be challenged, corrected, but they also need to grow, to be allowed to make mistakes, to figure things out. They also need to be encouraged, affirmed, and given a chance to show their stuff in the classroom, on the playing field, and at home. Smart parents, teachers and coaches know that some kids respond better to a pat on the back, while others respond better to “a yell in the face.”
But what about adults? Obviously, here is where this issue becomes very tricky. Timing is everything. If an adult is abusing a child and we are sure about it, obviously the time to act is now! If the problem is adults with adults, we have to ask the basic question: is this problem deadly or very dangerous to them or others? If the answer is yes, then we need to act. We need to speak up. We also need to be prudent. We need to weigh the consequences. Is my speaking up going to make the situation better or worse? Is this person going to make me pay for my comments the rest of my life?
We know all this. We’ve been in these situations at various times in our life. Sometimes we act and sometimes we step back. Sometimes we’re a chicken and we walk away and sometimes we’re a rooster and we give the other a wake up call.
Obviously, the real tricky stuff is the gray areas. That’s when we do a lot of inner talking and worrying about the sticky situations of life.
The Talmud says, “Teach thy tongue to say, ‘I do not know.’”
Often we don’t know the whole story. We haven’t walked in another’s “moccasins” or “sins” for one mile.
The New Testament talks much more about forgiving than correcting others. While reading the Gospels, isn’t it amazing how much Jesus puts up with the idiosyncrasies of others – especially his disciples?
So there are moments to be quiet and there are moments to speak up. And if the moments of speaking up are too much and too often, hopefully someone will speak up to us about our tendency to be always correcting others. It’s a warning signal if we find ourselves always wanting to correct others at work or in our regular circles. Maybe we voted ourselves into the position of the town crier – but there wasn’t an election – and we only got one vote for the job – our own.
People who are overweight mention they often get diets, suggestions, comments from their thinner friends. “Enough already!” People who are overweight vent to their closest friends, “I don’t need to hear people tell me everyday that I am overweight. Don’t they know fat people are beating on themselves every day? Don’t they know we don’t need others to beat on us as well. One is enough!”
All this is tricky, so we need to look at our motives – the why question. Motives are keys. Checking our motives can help us untie some of the knots in sticky situations. Why should the mother who saw her daughter in the restaurant in an apparent “wrong” relationship need to do something? Why should the referee who overheard his fellow referee making bets over the phone need to blow the whistle in some way? Why should family members or friends or co-workers of an alcoholic scream or try to intervene?
The motive always has to be one’s love for the other person. In today’s second reading Paul tells us love is the debt that binds us together. That’s what we owe each other. When we do that we fulfill the law. Paul stresses that the Golden Rule, “You shall love your neighbor as yourself” is underneath the commandments not to commit adultery, not to steal, not to covet, “and whatever other commandment there may be.”
The why question is crucial. If our motive for “correcting” another is to “get” another, then we need to stop right there and not go any further. Case closed. We don’t have to go to the “how” question, because the “why” question shows that our motive is flawed. We might be avoiding the logs in our own eye by seeing spots in our brother or sister’s eyes.
But, if our motive is love, and what’s going on with this other person is killing them and others, we need to move to the how question.
We need to reflect upon Jesus’ method of correcting others as found in today’s gospel.
We’ve all heard Jesus’ method of fraternal correction since we were kids. First go to the person one to one. If that doesn’t work, go to him or her a second time with two or three witnesses. If that doesn’t work, go to the church community with the problem. If that doesn’t work, then exclude him or her from the community.
Sounds good on paper, but it’s very difficult in practice. It’s much easier to talk to people in our minds or behind their back, but face to face is the place most of us want to avoid.
Sometimes speaking to another works; sometimes it doesn’t. Well planned “professional” intervention into the life of someone who is really messed up with drugs, or alcohol or gambling, has helped people. Sometimes it takes many such interventions. Sometimes it’s a disaster.
It’s never easy. And we all know the human tendency is to take the easy way out. We saw this in the rash of newspaper stories this year about sexual abuse by the clergy. We wish away problems. We sweep them under the rug – only to have them trip us up as we walk into the future.
This is painful stuff. This is tough love stuff. This is sticky, sticky stuff.
Today’s gospel wisely closes with words of Jesus about prayer. If all else fails, pray. If all else fails, gather with two or three trusted friends and pray for the person who is messing up their life. Maybe in prayer we’ll see that our motives are flawed or we definitely do have deep love for the other. Maybe we’ll see another solution, because we got deeper into the Golden Rule, and considered how we would like to be challenged or corrected if we were messing up our life this way. Maybe then we can go out with these friends to a nice restaurant, have a good meal together and really enjoy the taste of pie a la mode.
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This is a published homily I did for Markings in 2002.
