FOR A GREAT MARRIAGE
INTRODUCTION
The title of my homily for this 27 Sunday in Ordinary Time,
Year B, is, “Name The Key Ingredient for a Great Marriage.”
Today’s readings beg for a homily on Marriage.
The last time I preached on these readings I preached on
divorce - so today I decided to preach on marriage.
Today’s first reading has a great folk tale. It's great literature. As you hear it,
you can hear it being acted out in Jewish synagogues and circles for thousands
of years and thousands of times.
You can hear a character up front playing God and saying,
“It’s not good for the man to be alone. I will make a suitable partner for
him.”
Silence! The audience
waits to see who will be the
suitable partner.
You can see Adam standing there as well - waiting for God’s
answer and God’s gift of a partner. Next you start to see God going off to the
side - making out he’s sculpting something out of the ground - just as he had
made Adam out of the earth.
Drum roll: and God presents Adam with a goat and everyone laughs. Next comes a
monkey, then a dog, then a cat and then a bird - and everyone laughs as Adam
gives thumbs down or gives a frown to every one of these creations of God.
In his rejections Adam gives each animal a name as well.
It’s a great story - but Adam still has no suitable partner.
So the storyteller of Genesis
has God casting Adam into a deep sleep. Then God reaches into Adam’s chest and
dramatically pulls out a rib - and then you see God creating out of Adam’s rib
a woman.
When the audience sees her - when the audience sees Adam’s
face radiate in seeing the woman - the suitable partner - I’m sure they clapped
and shouted - if the play was done well.
Then Adam bursts into his closing speech. Pointing to the
woman, he says, “This one, at last, is bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh;
this one shall be called ‘woman,’ for out of ‘her man’ this one has been
taken.”
Then the narrator of the play closes with the very familiar
words, “That is why a man leaves his father and mother and clings to his wife,
and the two of them become one flesh.”
I think Bill Cosby does this skit the best when he has Adam saying
when he sees Eve, “Wow Man!” - the last
great naming!
WELL: NAME THE KEY INGREDIENT FOR A GREAT MARRIAGE.
The title of my homily is, “Name the Key Ingredient for a
Great Marriage.’
In the story, Adam
named the animals - but none proved a suitable partner. Then God gave him a
partner: woman.
As I pictured today’s first reading I wondered what would it
be like to have a play with God creating all kinds of ingredients to make a marriage
work - and Adam is asked to name the most important ingredients and then the
key ingredient for a great marriage.
If I polled all the married folks here, what answer would
you give? What would be the key ingredient that would make you a suitable partner:
love, respect, caring, communication, trust, making time, listening, children, working on making it work?
I would say that 66% of the marriages that I’ve been the
priest for, couples pick for one of their readings, the love is this and love
is that text from First Corinthians 12:31 to 13:8. Paul tells us that love is
the greatest gift - the greatest ingredient. He spells out what it is and
what it isn’t. It’s not rude, it’s not crude, it’s not pushy or pompous. Nope.
It’s patience. It’s acts of kindness. It’s trust and hope. All these
ingredients and more are what love is all about.
When heard, when done well, that would get a lot of Amen’s.
If we asked the divorced, "What happened?", we would get some
of the same answers. They might say the negatives ran the show and the positives had
disappeared and failed to show up. Those are ingredients for a disaster - an actual
disaster or a silent divorce where a couple are still together - but where two are two and not one.
MY ANSWER
I’m not married - so I’m a bit hesitant to give my take on
what it would take to make a great marriage.
As I thought about this, I wondered how Protestant ministers
or Eastern Rite priests and now various former Anglican priests who are or were
married would preach on marriage. Would they be much more practical and down to
earth than a celibate?
Would there then be pressure to make sure they practiced
what they preached? Would they feel
under the microscope in their marriage? What happens when a minister or a rabbi
and his or her spouse break up and divorce?
As I thought about all this yesterday - after coming back
from doing a wedding at the Naval Academy, I wondered if I could present an
ingredient - that if it was made key - in a marriage - it would it be so
convincing that married folks upon hearing it - would decide to work at putting
that ingredient into their marriage - if they haven’t already - and married
life for them would be great this coming week - and any week or day they put
that ingredient into practice.
Then it hit me - that ingredient - would also make a great
priest - a great boss - a great teacher - a great person to spend a lunch break
with - a great person to spend one’s life with.
STEPHEN COVEY
As I was thinking about all this - trying to come up with
the key ingredient - I remember listening to a tape of Stephen Covey’s book, The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People.
He died recently, but his stuff is still good. Habit # 5 was to “Seek First to Understand,
Then to be Understood.” What I heard with this habit was the message to forget
self and take the side of the customer - or the other. Instead of giving the
sales pitch, find out what the buyer feels fears about - what the buyer is wondering about - what
his or her questions are.
In other words - to shut up - and find out what the other is
thinking, feeling, wondering about - and then the buyer or the other might ask,
“What are you selling?”
JESUS CHRIST
As I remembered that, I realized that is a key idea about
Christ. “For a little while” as today’s second reading puts it - the Second
Person in the Mystery of God - was made “lower than the angels”. That’s what we Christians believe - when we believe in the Trinity. We believe that God did just that in becoming one of us. Jesus Christ started as a baby. He came into our skin - into our flesh.
The theological word used is “Incarnation” - but the specialists tell us -
not to use such words in a sermon.
Still, whatever word is used, there it is: Christianity. There it is: Marriage.
There it is: the secret of life and love.
The key ingredient to a happy marriage and a happy life - is
become like Jesus - who said, “Everyone wants to be served, but here I am in
your midst as one who serves.” There’s the key ingredient: to die to self - so
the other can rise.
So the couple who are there for the other - who listen, who
ask, who is concerned what’s going on inside the other - incarnation - it is
they who understand sex - understand life - understand Christ - understand
partnership.
It is they who understand the Mass - and every meal. It’s
all about serving the other. It’s all about letting the other person eat us up
- because we’re willing to be consumed by the other - and if we’re blessed by
children - to give our lives for them as well. Listen carefully to the prayer at the
end of Mass today. It basically says what one woman told me after the 7:30 Mass. She said, "It says, 'We become
what we eat!'" We become Christ. We become the other. We become one!
CONCLUSION
So the key ingredient for a great marriage is: you before me.
It's to
serve rather than wanting to be served. It's to
let the other eat us up - to be Eucharist - Christ - for the other. St. Thomas Aquinas said it this way when he described what love is: Love is wanting
and working for the well being of the
other.
OOOOOOOOOO
Painting on top: The Arnolfini Marriage by Jan van Eyck [1434] - National Gallery London. The wedding took place in Brugge in 1434 between Giovanni Arnolfini and Giovanna Cenami.