ONLY  IN  THE  MOVIES

He began to cry as he told me his story.

“It's been 10 years -- 10 years -- since we held each other!”

I remained quiet. Obviously, he needed someone to listen to him.

He went on, “But I haven't given up. I keep on hoping. I keep on trying to reach her with my love.”

After a long pause he said, “And all she ever says is, `We're too old for that. We're too old for that.'“ He reached down and held my wrist and whispered to me, “I tell her, `I don't want to rape you. All I want to do is hold you. Don't you know I love you.'“

I sat there quietly.

“The other day,” he continued, “we saw an old couple in the shopping center. They were walking in front of us holding hands. I said to my wife, `Look at them! Isn't that beautiful?' Her answer was the usual, `That only happens in the movies!'" He smiled at me for a moment and said, “What do you answer to that? `It only happens in the movies!' That's her answer every time.”

I didn't know what to say. In fact both of us became quiet. Our plane moved along quietly on its way to Florida. I was heading for Jacksonville to preach. He was heading home to Sarasota to his wife.

I asked how old he and his wife were.

“She's 65 and I'm 67.” Then he went on, “She moved out of our bedroom about 10 years ago. That was the killer and I didn't even snore. I didn't fight back. I became quiet. For a whole year I couldn't sleep. I tossed and turned -- and kept hearing the words of our marriage vows, `to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, until death do us part.'“

The flight attendants were getting closer with beverages and dinner, so we both became quieter. He blew his nose and I think wiped some more tears from his eyes.

“I bought her a beautiful card for Christmas to tell her how much I love her -- but it didn't help. And I'm the type that always gave her flowers for our anniversary -- 41 years straight -- but they never seemed to impress her after the first time. I suppose she just stopped being a wife once she became a mother!”

That last remark made me nervous. The pain and the poison in his gut began reaching his lips. Luckily, just then our dinner arrived. Everything was nice and neat -- packaged -- perfectly organized. All kinds of ideas and questions about the man and his wife were bouncing around in my mind. I would like to give him nice, neat packaged advice that could help both of them to rise out of their “dead” marriage or whatever you would call their situation.

I didn't. I sat there during the meal realizing that I just didn't know what it was like to be in my 60's and to be married.

During the moments of silence a beautiful experience I had a few years back came to mind. It was the 50th Wedding Anniversary Mass for a couple I knew. When it came to the renewal of their marriage vows, the wife said, “I do.” But as she said that, she must have realized that was not enough. With a sparkle in her eye, she burst out loudly, “I do! I do!” And she began shaking his ring hand with both her hands. All of us in the church heard it and laughed. A few people even started to clap -- but then stopped -- as they realized the moment was too sacred for that. That moment was a special grace to all of us from that couple.

But what about this man and his wife? I began to wonder was it too late for their marriage to be improved? How long would it take to sort out 41 years of marriage and the stories and the background of their lives? Did they ever do it before? Could they pray together for their marriage to be healed? Could they hold each other and say, “I'm sorry!” Or would she say, “That only happens in the movies?”

I sat there lost in his pain and the questions that were erupting in me. He broke the silence with a comment about the dinner. Then he added how lucky we were to be heading to the warmth of Florida in February.

Just then the pilot announced that we were nearing Jacksonville. He asked that those who were going through to Sarasota stay on the plane.

I looked at the man and said that I wished I could help him and his wife with their problems. “I wish I had a magic formula that would take all your troubles away.”

He smiled and said, “Relax, Father, thanks, but just keep us in your prayers. And thanks for listening. Don't worry that you didn't solve my problems with my wife. Things don't get solved that easily. That only happens in the movies.”

Father Andy Costello, C.SS.R.

Liguorian Magazine

THE CAGED BIRD:
BAD THOUGHTS

How do you explain the difference between having bad thoughts and making them one's own? People often confess “having bad thoughts” and then ask, “Did I commit a sin?”

Some people have been helped by the example of the caged bird: There is a world of difference between a bird on a fence and a bird in a cage.

There is a world of difference between having bad thoughts and making a decision to own them, to net them, to cage them.

We have 10,000 thoughts everyday: thoughts about the weather, the neighbors, the family, traffic, gas mileage, music, politics, the economy, love, sex, in-laws, and what's for supper. These thoughts come and go across our mind like birds flying across the sky, landing on our fence, and they flying away.

But then there are those thoughts and ideas that become major – ideas we make decisions about – ideas that we act upon. Compared to all the other thoughts that fly across our minds, these are very few in number.

Recently, while giving a retreat on the Gospel of Matthew, I realized that Jesus taught the same idea about “bad thoughts” – but much clearer and much deeper. His ideas should bring peace to those who are overconcerned about “having bad thoughts”.

1) MORE THAN SEX

The first thing to establish is that “bad thoughts” refer to more than sex. There are 6 other capital sins besides lust. There are 8 other commandments besides the 6th and 9th commandments.

Yes, Jesus talked about adulterous thoughts, but he also talked about the inner damage other “bad thoughts” like judging others could do (Matthew 7: 1 - 5). He taught that excessive worry about money, clothes, eating, drinking, and tomorrow can destroy us (Matthew 6: 19 - 34). He warned about not forgiving from the heart (Matthew 18: 35). And all through the Gospel of Matthew we find constant warnings about anger, hypocrisy, and self-righteousness.

Besides adultery, then, the Gospel of Matthew provides a long list of “bad thoughts” to be careful about. Moreover, if we limit “bad thoughts” to sexual bad thoughts, we could end up hurting ourselves because we might become blind and unaware of worse thoughts.

The English writer and convert to Christianity, C.S. Lewis, pointed this out. He wrote that “the center of Christian morality is not here. If anyone thinks that Christians regard unchastity as the supreme vice, he is quite wrong. The sins of the flesh are bad, but they are the least bad of all sins. All the worst pleasures are purely spiritual: the pleasure of putting other people in the wrong, of bossing and patronizing and spoiling sport, and backbiting; the pleasures of power, of hatred.” Then he adds this deep insight, “For there are two things inside me, competing with the human self which I must try to become. They are the Animal self, and the Diabolical self. The Diabolical self is the worse of the two. That is why a cold, self-righteous prig who goes regularly to church may be far nearer to hell than a prostitute. But, of course, it is better to be neither (Mere Christianity, pp. 94 - 95).

In that one clear statement, C. S. Lewis sums up the thoughts and feelings one should receive from reading the Gospel of Matthew. Yes, Jesus warns about adulterous thoughts, but he spends far more time and energy challenging the Pharisees to become aware of their dangerous inner thought patterns and attitudes – especially thoughts of self-righteousness (Cf. Matthew 9: 9-13). Jesus told them bluntly, “Let me make it clear that tax collectors and prostitutes are entering the kingdom of God before you” (Matthew 21: 31).

2) SIN IS A DECISION

One often hears the saying, “Love is a decision!” In other words, love is more than a feeling. We can also make that statement about the opposite of love, “Sin is a decision!”

The thought or the feeling is not the sin, the decision is. If love takes in the whole heart, soul and mind of a person, so too sin (Cf. Matthew 22: 37). This has been a constant moral teaching down through the ages. The thought, the temptation, the hint to sin, is not the sin. The thought or the feeling is like a bird flying across the sky and then landing on our fence. When we decide to cage it, then our problems begin.

Sin has to do with consent – consent of the will. And before consent, we need to know the danger before us and to take sufficient time to consider the alternatives. Most of us have heard of the classical 3 points to look at when examining our consciences about serious sins. First, when we are talking about mortal or deadly sins we are obviously talking about serious matter. Secondly, for a sin to be a sin we must take time for sufficient reflection on the choices before us. Thirdly, we decide to go ahead with full consent of our will.

Some people, especially those who tend to be scrupulous, often think that all “bad thoughts” are sinful. They forget about sufficient reflection and full consent of the will. They forget about the difference between a bird on a fence and the decision to try to cage it.

Sin then is a decision – a deadly decision. And that's where the greatest damage takes place – in our wills. Moreover, we can decide to sin and no actually carry out what we planned and still seriously hurt ourselves. We can decide to steal, only to discover that the store is closed or the boss walked into the room unexpectedly.

All through the Gospel of Matthew we hear Jesus preaching that morality is centered in the heart of a person and not in externals. People around him were making external traditions and superstitions more important than the heart and soul of a person. They were cleansing the outside of the cup while leaving the inside dirty. They were like nice green cemeteries with beautiful flowers and whitewashed tombs for eye to see, but underneath filled with death (Cf. Matthew 23: 25 - 29).

Birds on the fence are on the outside of our lives. However, we can choose to try to capture and cage them. We have freedom of choice to go either way. We can decide to enter the narrow or the wide gate, to take the rough or the easy road, to be a good tree or a bad one, to build our house on rock or on sand (Matthew 7: 13 - 27). The choice is always ours – choices that shape our personalities – choices that help us or hurt us. Love is a decision. Sin is a decision.

3) WHEAT OR WEEDS
And lastly, one of the parables we find in the Gospel of Matthew, what of “The Wheat and the Weeds,” can help us in this question of “Bad thoughts” (Matthew 13: 24- 30).

The farmer planted wheat. At night while he was asleep his enemy came and planted weeds. The wheat began to mature, so too the weeds. The farmhands came running, “Didn't you plant wheat? Where are the weeds coming from?” The farmhands then asked if they should remove the weeds. “No, you might pull up the wheat along with the weeds. Let them both grow until harvest time!”

The farmer did not make a decision to plant weed, yet they were there. So too “bad thoughts”. Television, family, movies, newspapers, books, the classroom, and so much of what surrounds us invades us. New ideas like birds are constantly landing on our mind. So often we are asleep as new ideas are being planted within us. Some are wheat; some are weeds.

Of course we shouldn't be our own enemy, planting weeds in our mind. We have to watch what we read and what we see. We have some control over our life. People working with computers often say, “Garbage in, garbage out.” If we spend our time planting weeds we will not harvest wheat. The gospel call us to become wheat, so as to become bread, so as to become the Body of Christ, to give our lives for others, to let them eat us up (Matthew 26: 28; John 12: 24; 1 Corinthians 12: 12 - 31).

Yet in a mysterious way, the weeds, the bad thoughts we have, can also serve us. The farmer said not to pull the weeds out, because the wheat might be ruined. Our pride wants to pull them out. Our pride tells us that we shouldn't have any weeds. We want the best lawn on the street. No weeds allowed! We want to look perfect, correct, always right. And this can lead to self-righteousness and pride – the major sin – the sin that Jesus warns the Pharisees about all through the Gospel of Matthew. Down deep we know that many of the bad thoughts that we have are rooted in sins of the past, what we have read, what we have done, and especially what we have failed to do. We don't like to admit this, especially when the sin of prided starts appearing in our field.

C.S. Lewis said, “You may remember, when I was talking about sexual morality, I warned you that the centre of Christian morals did not lie there. Well, now, we have come to the centre. According to Christian teachers, the essential vice, the utmost evil, is Pride. Unchastity, anger, greed, drunkenness, and all that, are mere fleabites in comparison: it is through Pride that the devil became the devil: Pride leads to every other vice: it is the complete anti-God state of mind” (Mere Christianity, p. 109)

And our bad thoughts not only keep us humble, they can also connect us with everyone else. Everyone has weeds; everyone has bad thoughts; everyone has in. The proud person wants to be like God – the Sinless One. To paraphrase a famous image of Jesus, “We see the weeds in the other person's field or lawn, and not in our own” (Cf. Matthew 7: 1 - 5). The humble person doesn't try to hide the fact that he or she has sinned and can sin again. They realize, starting with themselves, that everyone in the church is a sinner, and that's one of the main reasons they are in church (Cf. Matthew 9: 10 -11).

And we can conclude by also saying that bad thoughts can and should bring us to our knees in prayer. We need God to survive. God sent his Son to save us. Here we have one of the major reasons why the Pharisees rejected Jesus. They saw no need for him. They thought they were all wheat. And when Jesus, like one of the farmhands, came to tell them they had weeds in their field, bad thoughts of anger began taking over their minds. Jesus said to them and now to us, “I have come to call, not the self-righteous, but sinners” (Matthew 9: 13). Knowing that the birds of temptation are around us, knowing that we have caged them at times, bad thoughts can lead us to pray to Our Father, “Lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil. Amen” (Cf. Matthew 6: 13).

Father Andrew
 Costello, C.SS.R.

Liguorian Magazine

POEM: FRONT ROW CHILD

Front row child,
laughing and crying
and sleeping, in the arms
of your father
and then your mother
and then back to your father,
and all the church
was somewhat quiet –
centered on the altar and
I was centered on the child,
“This is your body.
This is your blood….
You’re giving your life
for her….”
My Sunday Mass that Sunday.

© Andrew Costello

PERSONALITY TEST # 1

1) Do you cry during movies, funerals, songs, kindergarten plays? Yes ___ No ____

2) Do you have to get up during the night to go to the bathroom more than when you were a kid? Yes ___ No ____

3) Do you take pills if you are over 55? Yes ____ No ____

4) Do you start to drive slower when you see a police car – even if you are going the posted speed limit? Yes ____ No _____

5) Do you dislike nose hairs that stick out? Yes ____ No _____

6) Do you take free mints or tooth picks or match books if they are sitting on a counter on the way out of a restaurant? Yes __ No ___

7) Do you like to have the TV remote? Yes ___ No ____

8) Do you enjoy watching a kid dismantle an Oreo cookie and lick the cream before he or she eats the cookie? Yes ____ No _____

9) Do you love it when you see a water dish for dogs outside a store on Main Street when the weather is in the 90’s? Yes ____ No _____

10) Do you say a quiet prayer for the family of a person killed in Iraq or Afghanistan when you hear about it on the news or read about it in the newspaper? Yes ___ No ___

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TEST RESULTS

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If you answered "yes" to any one of the above questions, you are a human being.

© Andrew Costello

PERSONALITY TEST # 2

This is a personality test based on 5 parables from the Gospel of Luke - the main gospel we are using this liturgical year (2007).

1) In the Parable of Good Samaritan [Luke 10: 29-37], who am I most like and least like?
A) The Beaten Up Man: I’m hurting and feel so alone along the road of life – a victim whom others beat up.

B) The Levite and the Priest: I’m the type of person who looks the other way and stays on my side of the road. I ignore those beaten up in life. I don't like to get involved.

C) The Good Samaritan: I would stop to help my brother and sister if they were beaten up by robbers. I get involved – even though it’s going to cost me time and money – even though the other person is of a different religion and background than mine.

2) In the Parable of the Prodigal Son [Luke 15: 11-32], who am I most like and least like?

A) The Father: I’ll forgive no matter what. Every family has problems. Young people make mistakes. Okay - his room might end up looking like a pig pen again - but it will be better than the pig pen he was in. And if my older son doesn't like it, I'll reach out to him too. I'll wait and wait till he decides to come home from his far country. I'll wait for him to come home from his far country and throw him a party he'll never forget - and I guarantee his younger brother will be the second to welcome him home.

B) The Prodigal Son: I messed up. I’ll come back. I'm scared. I'm not worthy to be a member of my family after what I have done. I ask for forgiveness - of my dad and my older brother.

C) The Older Brother: In this case, I don’t think forgiveness is fair – so I won’t forgive. And why should my father give him a party – when he has never given me anything? Not fair.

3) In the Parable of the Practical Judge and the Nagging Widow (Luke 18: 1-8), who am I more like?

A) The Nagging Widow: I keep pestering this judge till I get justice and a settlement in my favor. I keep trying till I get what I think is right. I don’t give up. I won’t hear “No!” for an answer. Fair is fair. Nagging works!

B) The Judge: I give in just to get rid of this woman. I don’t weigh the issues of right or wrong that deeply. I won’t call in her enemy to get his or her side of the story. I won’t ask her to be on Court TV. I just want to get this settled and give this woman her just rights – otherwise she is going to wear me out.

4) In the Parable of Pharisee and the Publican (Luke 18:9-14), who am I most like?

A) The Pharisee: I am the type of person who prays in public and feel good about myself because I pray and fast and tithe. When I prayer I tell God about those who don’t come to church. I talk about those who are greedy and unjust or who commit adultery. I tell him I don't want to be in communion with that sinner who is sitting in the back of church . “What’s he doing here! Why do they allow people like him in here?”

B) The Publican: I am a poor sinner who stays and prays in the back of church. I don't know if I should even be in here with all the things I have done in my life. "Lord, be merciful to me a sinner.”

5) In the Parable of Ten Men and Ten Pounds (Luke 19:11-27), ten men are given a pound to invest while a rich man goes away. When he comes back three men report how they invested the pounds while the rich man was away. Which of the three am I most like?

A) The Ten Pounder: I am the type of person who uses the gifts I have to make the most with them. If someone gives me $1,000 to invest, I'll try to make $10,ooo with it. Because he was shrewd with the rich man’s money he was put in charge of ten cities.

B) The Five Pounder: I too am the type of person who uses the gifts I have to make the most with what I have. I'm not as sharp as others, but I'll take the necessary risks - after a lot of study. Because he was sharp with the one pound he was given - making five pounds with it, he was put in charge of five cities.

C) The One Pounder: I'm the safe type. I don't want to have to come back and say I lost money by making a poor investment. So at least I can report that I have what I started with and didn't lose it. I'm scared. When the rich man heard this man's report he was furious. He pounced on him verbally and took the pound back. Then he gave it to the man who had stretched the one pound to ten. The bystanders said, “The first man already made ten pounds.” And the rich man said, “Everyone who has will be given more; everyone who has not, even what he has will be taken away from him.”

© Andrew Costello

PERSONALITY TEST # 3*

Four people were sitting on a porch in their rocking chairs – sitting there near the end of their lives. The conversation came up about whether any of them had ever experienced God. And all four answered, “Yes.”

The first person, a woman around 86, said, “I was in a tornado once. We lived at the bottom of a mountain and the tornado roared into the mountain. The winds were howling. Trees fell. Rocks slid. I was scared to my bones and screamed out, ‘God!’ Well, we survived, but let me tell you, ‘There is a God!’ All my life after that I knew the roar of God.”

The second person, a woman around 91, said she was once in an earthquake. “We all screamed out, ‘God help us!’ And obviously, we survived. If you’ve ever been in a big earthquake, let me tell you, you know there is a God.”

The third person, an old man who was almost 90, said, “I was caught in a forest fire once and everything – EVERYTHING was on fire and we lost everything – EVERYTHING and we all screamed out, ‘God where are you!’ and the wind shifted and we survived. We lost our house but thank God we lived. Let me tell you. I too know there is a God.”

The fourth person, an old man named, Elijah, said, “I've been in tornadoes, earthquakes and fires, but let me tell you when I really experienced God. It was during the war and I was escaping. I was hiding out. People were chasing me. I climbed this mountain where I knew there was this cave – high, high up on the mountain. While up there God came in the sound of a gentle breeze. I knew it was God. I went and stood at the entrance to the cave. And God said to me, ‘What are you doing here, Elijah?’ I said, ‘I am running and hiding for my life.’ And we talked and we listened to each other. I told God, ‘I love you, God. I love you. In fact, I have this jealous passion for you, but I feel so all alone. Nobody seems to be following you. They have deserted you. They have broken down your altars. They have killed your prophets.’ And then God sent me down from that mountain with a mission. And that mission became the story of my life.”

*1 Kings 19:9-15

© Andrew Costello

PERSONALITY TEST # 4

Jesus felt frustrated, really frustrated. People didn’t seem to be getting what he was trying to say. The worst offenders were his disciples. They were sitting there listening to him in village after village – stop after stop – missing his message – time after time.

One of his favorite themes was this: “Dying to self is more important than dying to be myself.” He was trying to say: “Giving was more important than receiving – serving was more important than being served.” He was trying to say: “When you lose yourself, you can find yourself.”

He found himself wondering: “How many ways can I tell folks that life is all abut dying to self – giving of oneself – mothers taking nine months of life to knit a baby in her womb – and when she sees her baby she realizes it was all worth it.”

He often watched people eating. Bread fascinated him. It would disappear into someone’s mouth – get chewed – and then give energy and life to people. Amazing. This was what life was all about. Dying so others could rise – letting people chew up our time – and get energized because we were there for them.

While eating, while walking, while talking, he would hear the disciples bickering like little kids on who was # 1 and who was Jesus’ favorite – and what rewards they would get in following such an amazing teacher.

When this happened, when things seemed hopeless, Jesus would disappear. Disappearing worked for him. He’d go to the mountains – or the hills – or to a garden or to some deserted place. He just needed to become quiet for a while. He needed to become like bread and disappear into the mouth of his Father and be in communion with Him. This helped.

Then if his disciples didn’t track him down first, he’d come back to be with them. He would say, “Let’s go to new towns and preach and heal and reach out to people in new ways with new words.”

This one particular time, to disappear, he didn’t go to a garden or head for the hills or to a deserted place. This time he disappeared to a spot under a tree he loved to sit under. He loved to put his back against the wood of a tree. It brought him home to the carpenter shop – growing up with Joseph and Mary. It brought him home to his Father. He loved the mysteries of trees – roots and branches – water and earth.

It was night.

He fell asleep – into a deep sleep – into a deep, dark night. Frustration can be exhausting. People, especially those closest to us, can tire us out.

It was morning.

He woke up hearing a farmer singing. This certainly sounded less strident than a rooster. The farmer was singing as he was sowing seed. The field was within a rock’s throw from the tree where he had slept all night.

Jesus sat there watching the farmer. He liked to watch. He liked to listen. He liked to learn how people worked.

Some seed fell on the path. Some fell in shallow soil. Some fell among the weeds. Some fell on good soil. Missed seed didn’t seem to bother this farmer. Jesus laughed. “Farming doesn’t seem to be an exact science like carpentry is. Who would buy a table with 4 different size legs?”

“Better get back to Peter and Andrew and the others ….”

Back he went and it was back on the road again with his disciples.

And once more they were arguing on the road who was #1.

They came into a village and Jesus began to preach. He began to teach what he just seen.

“Once upon a time there was a farmer – a farmer who loved to sing while he worked. It was sunrise. He went out into his field to sow some seed. Some fell on the path that was along side the field. The birds quickly darted down and gobbled up that seed. Some seed landed on rocky ground where there wasn’t that much soil. The bright sun scorched any wheat that sprang up. No roots; no wheat; no bread. Other seed landed on good soil, but soil that was overgrown with thorns and thistles. As soon as the wheat began to grow, the thorns and thistles choked that wheat. Other seed fell on good soil and the wheat in those places flourished – thirty, sixty and a hundredfold – longing to become bread – hungry to feed a hungry world.”

Then Jesus said, “If you have ears, use them to hear the parable that I’m sowing it in the field of your brain.”

The disciples didn’t get it. Embarrassed, they waited till everyone had gone. Then when alone, they asked Jesus, “Why do you keep on speaking in parables?”

“Uuuuuuh!” came a deep groan from Jesus gut. But, instead of escaping again, Jesus spoke plainly – telling them what he was preaching and why he used parables.

“I’m giving you the secrets of the kingdom. To the others I’m giving parables – because they have what Isaiah said, “ears that don’t work – eyes that are closed – and hearts that need healing.”

They were listening.

“The seed that lands on the path are those people who don’t understand that the seed of the word is landing on them – and it just bounces off them.

The seed that lands on rocky and shallow ground are those people who have shallow souls – that can’t deep root the word. As soon as times get tough, they get going. They don’t last.

"The seed that lands on good soil that is flourishing with thorns and thistles, are those people whose can’t hear the word because they have too many things growing in the soil of their soul. Too many cares, too many worries about money, chokes the word and the best of resolutions.

“The seed that lands on good soil are those people who hear the word of God and understand it – and yield a field of thirty, sixty or a hundredfold.

“Oh,” said the disciples.

And Jesus laughed – knowing it was going to take them a long time, a long time for his disciples to become fields that would yield a harvest of thirty, sixty and a hundredfold of wheat – that would become bread – that could unite the world in communion.

© Andrew Costello