MARRIAGE: 

COMMUNICATION, 

COOPERATION 

AND  COMPROMISE

INTRODUCTION

The title of my homily for this 30^th Tuesday in Ordinary Time  is, “Marriage: Communication, Cooperation and Compromise.”

Some people get nervous or they just don't like today's first reading from Ephesians 5: 21-33. The fact that the Lectionary offers a compromise shorter version - Ephesians 5: 2a, 25-32 indicates to me that someone is aware of possible "Uh oh's!"  I sense that the following two sentences with the word "subordinate" in them - are the issue. "Wives should be subordinate to their husbands as to the Lord." That's the first sentence. The next is, "As the Church is subordinate to Christ, so wives should be subordinate to their husbands in everything."  In the meanwhile, the challenges in the text to husbands to reverence and love their wives might be lost in the hub bub.

COMMUNICATION

I think any couple if they are wise should communicate who’s stronger where and when and who has this talent and who has that talent. I’ve heard enough talks and read enough articles on marriage to know that some couples marry for this very reason. One is better with organization and one is better with people skills. One is better with money and the other is better with mechanics. Or what have you.

If couples don’t realize their gifts and possible disasters in themselves as well as in the other and then communicate their similarities and differences they are crazy. These can be the kind of stuff that sometimes causes problems. It can also cause laughter and growth and help a couple to become a great team.

COOPERATION AND COMPROMISE

After the communication comes the action steps of working things out. These are the calls for cooperation and compromise.

Then a couple needs to communicate how they are doing and how they are working together - giving and taking - and on and on and on.

DOMINANT MONKEY

I once saw a program on TV about monkeys. I hope this doesn’t end up as a felt insult - like the word “subordinate” is sometimes taken. The example is something I think about at times when I’m with folks.

The documentary or whatever it is - I saw this a long time ago - went like this. Some experimenters asked if in every group of monkeys there was a dominant monkey. They studied various groups of monkeys as part of this experimentation. Sure enough - at least for the experimenters - they determined who the dominant monkey in a group was. Then they asked if in a group of all female monkeys if one of the monkeys was the dominant female. Sure enough they said so and so was the dominant monkey. They noticed the dominating traces and behaviors. In all this they noticed that the strongest monkey stood with the straightest back. She was the one who was the “boss”.

Next they took a dominant female monkey and put her into another female group - one in which they also knew who was the dominant female monkey. They studied what happened. One of the two would dominate the other and if the new gal took over, the former dominant female monkey would slouch her shoulders more.

The word “slouch” grabbed me because I tend to slouch. I know this because a lot of people have said to me, “Straighten up!”

If I was married my wife would be the boss. Smile. But that wasn’t the lesson I learned from the monkeys.

What I learned was to look for who is the boss in different  groupings.

I learned to look for signs of power struggles in conversations and projects.  

I learned to assume that in every group and every marriage and every family and every relationship and every parish and every group, there is struggle going on.

I assume that if someone had a camera and studied us and then we looked at the film and the study we would get an earful and eyeful.  

I assume that In every person there is the stuff we bring from our parents and our family. I assume that our place in our family order - oldest - youngest - middle - only - what have you - we bring into the classroom, into our marriage and into our work place.

I assume that Ephesians 5: 21 to 33 - as well as Colossians 3:18-19 - comes out of customs and culture of the Mediterranean Basin in the First Century - and that background can be found today as well as different ways for wives and husbands to work and function together.  

I also assume that people take the Bible literally - and/or use it not to communicate, but to dominate.

I have found in talking to couples that sometimes they have “aha” or “epiphany” moments when I ask them to talk about how their moms and dads argued - communicated - worked together - and what have you.

I love the saying, “If you want to change someone you have to change their grandmother.”

CONCLUSION

So for peace and growth, one has to learn from life - from monkeys and parents and grandparents and from each other. There is call for communication and compromise and cooperation.

Human beings can learn. Human beings can grow. Human beings can learn new tricks. Human beings can change. People need to talk to each other about what they see and what their questions are.

Today’s gospel has two images of growth and change. One is male - maybe - the man planting the seed in a garden. The other is female -maybe - a woman making bread.

I assume humor helps. I assume we have the choice to be like the Three Wise Monkeys and “See No Evil”, “Hear No Evil”, and “Speak No Evil.” Or we can communicate - cooperate - and compromise - with each other. 

Well, I’ll be a monkey’s uncle. Human beings can evolve.

O O O

I found the picture on top on Google. It was entitled: 3 Monkeys on the Beach in Barcelona. I was there but didn't see these monkeys.