MOM SAW MORE
THAN MOM SAID
[The title of my reflection is, “Mom Saw More Than Mom Said.” This is fiction - some
reflections to trigger some thoughts for Mother’s Day 2019.]
It took years after their mom had died - for her 5 kids
to see all they had missed - and some of
what their mom had seen when she was alive.
“What? Explain!”
Well …. Yeah ….
Well, it would be phone calls - now
and then - and cookouts - dinners - get
togethers - and a cruise with their dad for his 75th birthday - and
many other unplanned conversations - that the 5 kids had - that helped them to
really get to know their mom - who she was and what she was about - as a
mom - as a wife - a grandmother - and especially
as a gift to the human race.
Most learnings - spoken observations - figurings - came
after she had died at the age of 64 - cancer - but her 5 kids - like most kids
- were figuring her out - backstage - slowly - long before that - along with
their own lives - along with dad.
So I guess this is the way this sort of works in a lot of
families. Not all. It all depends on the mom and her kids. But life is a jigsaw
puzzle with lots of pieces - and you can’t do a jigsaw puzzle of thousands of
pieces in a day.
Mom came from a family of 3 and dad from a family of 5 - each being the exact middle
child. Mom and dad didn’t go to college. Dad was a long distance truck driver
and mom a secretary, a hair dresser, a ticket collector at a movie theater, a
waitress, but especially a mother of 5 kids - 3 sons and 2 daughters.
She was also a collector. They found lots of shoe boxes of photos of all 5 kids - plus
their report cards - plus graduation -
first communion - confirmation and wedding programs - awards - some newspaper
clippings where a kid was mentioned - even if it was just in tiny print - plus
death memorial cards - plus obituaries - plus lots and lots and lots of other paper
stuff. Mom had her personal library or
museum or hall of fame for her siblings, plus her kids, plus her grandkids - plus
her friends - under beds, tops of closets, in the basement, and in old trunks.
Yep, they had trunks.
And then there were the letters - and the cards.
She had saved every Mother’s Day card she ever got - plus
birthday cards - plus love letters from dad to her. When they told dad this -
he got nervous - very nervous. The truck driver was a gushy romantic. And there
were letters from her 5 kids when they were in their first semester of college
- then they stopped after that first year. Plus letters from when their youngest
brother got into the marines. When told his letters still existed, he said,
“Our sergeant made us write those letters.”
But this was mainly first, second and third level stuff.
Life has deeper stuff.
Now the gist of this reflection is what the fabulous 5
slowly put together on their take on their mom - well after she died.
Their take was just observations at first.
One would say something. There would be a pause. Then the
other would give their take on that observation.
One of them would say something like, “Mom had her
complaints about dad, but she never ever, ever,
ever once told them to us. She used to confide in her oldest sister Margo,
who told me this after mom died.”
“She did? Wow.”
“Yeah, thinking back … Margo told me something like that too - once.”
“Complaints? Like what?”
“Mom hated cigar smoke and cigar breath - and there was
dad every Friday and Saturday evening out on the back porch - alone - on his
rocking chair smoking - at least 3 cigars - and he would leave the remains in
the ash tray back there - and mom hated - hated the chewy chewed up spitty tips
of dead cigars.”
“I didn’t know that.”
“And he was always last minute for everything: church,
doctor’s appointments, card games, what have you.”
“Oh, I never noticed that.”
Of course they didn’t mention this to dad - of it they did - with humor.
But the real mom observations and wisdom were deeper
stuff than cigar tips.
“She never said anything about the people we dated -
before or after we either married them or dropped them.”
“She never compared us or our kids with other kids.”
“She encouraged us - if we stayed in a job or tried a new one - or a new school - she encouraged
us.”
“I loved it - that mom always said, ‘You did your best!”
even when we didn’t do our best.’”
And these wisdom observations about mom - were not eulogy
stuff at a funeral Mass. These were
mainly at least 5 years after she died - observations and go figurings - stuff.
“Mom didn’t say much, but when she said something, she
said a lot.”
“But she saw more - much more than I ever saw, so when
she said quick quips at times, I heard them.”
‘I think there’s some wisdom there - that mom had - ‘Say
little and you’ll say a lot more than those who say a lot.’”
Finally, someone brought up the religion question.
“Dad didn’t say anything - because like mom - he didn’t
say anything - knowing we had to figure out this kind of life stuff and God
stuff on our own. Dad and mom went to Sunday Mass every Sunday throughout their
marriage. Dad and mom hoped us kids would
get that message by example - that we need God every day of our lives -
but some days - and sometimes - much more than others.”
Well the religion question came up big time on the cruise
they took their dad on for his 75th Birthday.
One night there - they were all together with dad - all 5 of them - with their spouses - and
nice cocktails - and a really nice mood - in a corner they cornered - in a
lounge - on Deck 7 - that was quite quiet at the time.
They toasted dad - they thanked their dad - they toasted
mom - and thanked their mom adding “with God”
Then dad - with tears in his eyes - and a drink in his
hand - thanked them all.
“Thank you - so,
so much for this gift - this cruise. Wow! It’s been the best week of my life -
so far. It makes it all worthwhile.
Thank you.”
They toasted each other again.
Then dad said, “Mom’s 10th Anniversary - of
her death - is coming up - this Thanksgiving.
What I would love is that all of you with your families - be at an Anniversary
Mass I scheduled - that Thanksgiving morning.”
Surprise. Now that
was a surprise.
With that - some soft semi-conscious throat gulps happened
- along with some more silence in the corner of that lounge.
And surprise that Thanksgiving - all went to that
Anniversary Mass and surprise 3 of those kids have started going to church again - and
those 3 along with dad - are hoping the others get their faith back - that mom
along with dad - and their parents passed down to them.
And he felt they were there out of gratitude - not out of
guilt. Amen.
