“MARRIAGE:
FILL THE JARS WITH….”

INTRODUCTION

The title of my homily is, “Marriage: Fill the Jars With….”

In today’s gospel [John2:1-11], Jesus tells the servants at the wedding, “Fill the jars with water.” And we know the rest of the story. We’ve heard the story of Jesus’ miracle of turning water into wine at Cana at Sunday Masses as well as many a wedding.

GREGORY PIERCE

Gregory Pierce, a businessman, a publisher, community organizer, husband and father, said, “Preach about work and relationships. Those two places are where most people spend most of their time.” (1)

So when I read this gospel, the obvious thought was, “Say something about marriage.”

THIS GOSPEL

When I do a wedding I ask the couple to pick the 3 readings. I like it when they pick the story of the wedding feast of Cana – but most of the time they don’t.

So here’s my chance. I have a chance to say a positive thing as well as a scary thing about marriage that I would not say at a wedding.

As the wedding song goes, “We’ve only just begun / White lace and promises / A kiss of hope and we’re on our way.”

BLINK

I was talking to a guy in the parish recently at his and his wife’s 25th wedding anniversary. Being guys we talked about work. He told me one of his jobs was interviewing people who might be interested in being part of a franchise. Listening to what he did reminded me of something I had to do years earlier – figure people out. I mentioned to him something that a counselor told me years ago. “I was trained to listen to my belly. When I shake someone’s hand and welcome them for their first session – I jot down in my brain – what my belly is saying at that exact moment.” I then told this guy in the parish about a seminarian that I was dealing with. He was tough stuff. And as my hand was shaking his hand for the first time, my belly said, ‘Sick!’”

I said to myself, “Uh oh!”

I was aware of all the warnings: Jesus’ messages about not judging… I knew about the sayings, “You can’t tell a book by its cover.” “Before judging someone you have to walk a mile their moccasins.”

Then this guy who was celebrating his 25th anniversary said one word to me, “Blink.” Then he added: “Read Malcolm Gladwell’s book, Blink.”

I had seen the title on the best seller list, but I hadn’t read it – nor did I have a clue about what it was all about.

So I bought it with a gift certificate I got for Christmas.

Blink.

It’s easy reading.

And as I read I realized why this guy in the parish told me about the book.

Blink is all about that first moment – that gut reaction – or gut instinct.

Be aware of it.

BLINK – YOU’RE MARRIED

Now here is the scary stuff – the challenging stuff – the nervous stuff.

I am aware that some of you are not married – or are married – or you are divorced – or your spouse has died.

But let me get back to Gregory Pierce of Chicago’s comment: talk about relationships and work.

Well, in Malcolm Gladwell’s book, Blink, he talks about a psychologist, John Gottman, who works in a clinic near Washington University in Washington State – and he has filmed and studied over 3,000 couples. And Blink says that Gottman and his team can predict whether a marriage is going to work or not 95 % of the time by just studying a 60 minute tape of the couple – and 90% of the time by just looking at a tape of 15 minutes of a couple talking and being with each other.

That’s quite a statement!

The couple sit in two chairs on a platform – which measures their body movements – and shifts in their chairs. They have wires and things connected to their hands and ears, etc. And there is a video camera taking pictures of each of them the whole time.

One exercise is to have a couple wired up and with cameras rolling –they are asked to talk together just 15 minutes about a recent source of conflict they’ve had with each other.

The team and the machines measure 20 different emotions – disgust, contempt, anger, defensiveness, whining, sadness, stonewalling, neutral, etc.

Afterwards Gottman and his team study the film. They study facial expressions, heart rate, movement, shifting, sweating, temperature, and they put everything into a complex mathematical code.

John Gottman, the Washington State psychologist, has written a book, The Mathematics of Divorce. I don’t intend to buy that book, but I’m glad I bought and am reading Blink.

John Gottman said he can sit at a restaurant and watch a couple at another restaurant and figure out the state of that marriage.

I found myself saying, “Is he married? If he is, how is the state of his marriage? If he was in a restaurant with his wife, would he be looking at her or concentrating on the next table? How would that make his wife feel?”

He’s been doing this marriage research for over 15 years with machines and cameras.

He has found out – now here comes the tie in I’m going to make with today’s gospel – that if he focuses on what he calls the Four Horsemen: defensiveness, stonewalling, criticism and contempt, he will come up with what he wants to know.

And if he had to pick one of the four, it would be contempt.

Gottman considers this the single most important sign that a marriage is in trouble.

Listen to this excerpt from the book: “You would think that criticism would be the worse,” Gottman says, “because criticism is a global condemnation of a person’s character. Yet contempt is qualitatively different from criticism. With criticism I might say to my wife, ‘You never listen, you are really selfish and insensitive.’ Well, she’s going to respond defensively to that. That’s not very good for our problem solving and interaction. But if I speak from a superior plane, that’s far more damaging, and contempt is any statement made from a higher level. A lot of the time it’s an insult” ‘You’re a b…. You’re s….’ It’s trying to put that person on a lower plane than you. It’s hierarchical.”

Contempt!

I said to myself I have to do a lot of homework on what contempt means.

I would assume that’s what a good book does. It challenges us with one good insight – at least one good question.

That last word in Gottman’s comment that I quoted hit me, the word, “hierarchical”. Here I am up here in a pulpit – above you. What kind of body language do I give off? Do people turn off priests in a blink?

The only sure body language sign I spot in church is the look at the watch – sometimes done quite dramatically. I also know that watches for some have disappeared and folks tell time with their cell phones. Is that why people look down from time to time?

Could they video and then do a study of the faces and body language of people at Mass?

So I have to ask myself: What signals and messages do I give off? What are the inner thoughts I have down deep inside me? And then the big question: is there any contempt in this big jar called “me”?

There’s a lot more – and in a second or two you’ll be giving me signals, “Enough already.” And then, “Boring!” or “Interesting.” Whatever. So I would recommend the book called, “Blink.”

THE GOSPEL

I would say the challenge is to bring oneself to Jesus in deep prayer and face with him what’s inside me.

Like water becoming wine, we need to change contempt into humility. Better work with Jesus to change contempt into humility – to change vinegar into wine. Tough stuff.

CONCLUSION: TODAY’S SECOND READING

I also think today’s second reading [1 Corinthians 12: 4-11] would really help. A couple, a family, a job site, each individual has to realize I have only so many gifts and I have so many weaknesses – and others have so many strengths and gifts – as well as weaknesses – so we better together if we expect the marriage, the family, the work place to work.





Painting on top, Marriage Feast At Cana by Juan de Flandes, 1465-1519. It was painted in 1500. It is oil on wood. It is now in the Metropolitan Museum of Art in New York.

(1) Gregory F.A. Pierce, Spirituality at Work, 10 Ways to Balance Your Life on the Job, Loyola Press, Chicago, 2001.


(2) Malcolm Gladwell, Blink, The Power of Thinking Without Thinking, Back Bay Books, Little, Brown and Company, New York, Boston, London, 2005

WALK TOGETHER
HAND IN HAND

Quote of the Day: - January 17, 2010


“Don’t wait for the Last Judgment. 
It takes place every day.”


Albert Camus [1913-1960], The Fall

SOIL  SELF  DESTRUCTION 

Quote of the Day - January 16,  2010

“The nation that destroys its soil destroys itself.”

Franklin D. Roosevelt [1882-1945], letter to state governors, February 26, 1937

SHUSH!  

I AM THINKING

Quote of the Day: January 14,  2010

“Life consists in what a man [or woman] is thinking of all day.”

Ralph Waldo Emerson [1803-1882], Journals, 1847

UNORIGINAL  SINS

Quote of the Day: January  13,  2010

“Should we all confess our sins to one another we would all laugh at one another for our lack of originality.”

Khalil Gibran [1893-1931], Sand and Foam, 1927

THOMAS MERTON'S TAKE 

ON DISCOVERING  GOD

Quote of the Day - January  12,  2010

“Our discovery of God is, in a way,

God’s discovery of us.

We cannot go to heaven to find Him

because we have no way of knowing

where heaven is or what it is.

He comes down from heaven and finds us.

He looks at us

from the depths of His own infinite actuality,

which is everywhere,

and His seeing us

gives us a superior reality

in which we also discover Him.

We only know Him

in so far as we are known by Him,

and our contemplation of Him

is a participation of His contemplation of Himself.”

Thomas Merton, [1915-1968], Seeds of Contemplation.

Picture "borrowed" off a Thomas Merton web site.

A HOMILY ON “DIGS”

INTRODUCTION

The title of my homily is, “Digs!”

The question I want to ask is, “Do we do digs?”

FIRST READING

Today’s first reading from the first chapter of the First Book of Samuel triggered this question.

A man with the interesting name of Elkanah had two wives: Peninnah and Hannah.

Peninnah had sons and daughters by him; Hannah was childless.

The story teller is a good story teller – because he implies as well as makes it very clear that Elkanan favored Hannah over Peninnah.

Was being upset at not being the favorite the reason why Peninnah made digs at Hannah? The text uses the word “rival”.

The story teller makes it clear that Elkanan understands the situation – especially when Hannah refuses to eat – but just weeps. And you can hear him say to Hannah, the question that ends today’s first reading, “Hannah, why do you weep, and why do you refuse to eat? Why do you grieve? Am I not more to you than ten sons?”

Great story!

It can trigger lots of stuff – the stuff of story telling.

What does it trigger in you?

DIGS

Well it triggered in me the question of digs.

Would anyone with lots of kids dig those who don’t have kids?

Would those who wear a size 4 dress dig those who wear a size 16 dress?

Would those who went to college dig those who have a G.E.D.?

Do tall people make digs at short people?

Do males do this to females?

Do so called, “Liberals” make digs at so called, “Conservatives” and vice versa?

What about skin color?

What about nationality?

What about size of house, car, salary?

What about accomplishments of kids?

What is the difference between digs and healthy pride and wanting to share good news?

UNSPOKEN DIGS

Then there are all of the above – but kept within – the so called sin of “Judging others”.

A few questions: Do our inner digs about others slip out on our face or the tone of our words or what have you – and we don’t even know it? Does unconscious speak to unconscious loud and as real as if we were aware of it? Is communication 90% unconscious?

If any of that is true, uh oh? Maybe this is some of what Jesus had reflected upon when he gives us this inner stuff in the Sermon on the Mount in Matthew: inner murder, inner adultery, inner hell, inner logs, inner fasting, inner prayer, inner thorns and thistles, figs and fruit, one's inner house being built on rock or sand.

SELF DIGS

Then I began to think about self digs, self attacks, self stabbings - doing all this stuff to ourselves.

Do we keep on digging into our inadequacies?

I'm assuming this is background stuff on the issues of inner comparisons and envy – the things that can eat us up.

CONCLUSION

Today’s gospel can wake us up – and shake us up.

It’s time to hear the call of Jesus and stop tossing our nets to catch stuff that doesn’t give life – and follow Jesus and fill our nets with the stuff that gives life.

This is a first draft homily for the First Monday in Ordinary Time, January 11, 2010. The readings are 1 Samuel 1:1-8 and Mark 1: 14-20. A couple of people asked me if I was going to put this on my blog. I haven't been putting weekday homilies on this - but when asked, I sometimes do.

TALKING  BEHIND  YOUR  BACK

Quote of the Day  January  11, 2010

“What people say behind your back is your standing in the community in which you live.”

Edgar Watson Howe [1874-1942], Sinner Sermons, 1926

COMFORT

INTRODUCTION

The title of my homily is, “Comfort.”

It’s the first word in today’s opening reading from Isaiah.

“Comfort, give comfort to my people, says your God.”

Question: should I preach on the theme of comfort?

Shouldn’t I be preaching on the cross?

Yet, I thought, but there will be time enough for that – many a time for that – Lent and Good Friday – and funerals – those 2 or 3 funerals we attend each year – and more as we get older – and even then, especially then, the theme of comfort would be very helpful.

“Comfort, give comfort to my people, says your God.”

MOTIVATION

I have always been interested in the question of motivation. What’s behind what we do? Why? Why? Why?

Fear? Lust? Power? Prestige? Vanity? Money? Ego? Hunger? Love? Anger? Frustration? To send a message?

Seeing that word “comfort” jump off the page in the first reading, I began wondering, how strong a motive is comfort?

COMFORT QUESTIONNAIRE – 11 QUESTIONS

Here are 11 questions. Answer "Yes" or "No".


1) When you just finished dinner at someone’s house and the dinner was horrible and they say "How was everything?", are you comfortable saying, “Everything was fine!”?

2) When you have just talked about someone behind their back and you see their best friend is there and they go off to the side and take out their cell phone, are you comfortable?

3) When you lie, are you comfortable?

4) When you’re in a borrowed car, do you adjust the driver’s seat for your comfort or do you leave it as is – thinking about the owner of the car who lent it to you – and you know you won’t be able to get it back to the way that person likes it for himself or herself?

5) When you’re in a car with 4 people and you’re in the passenger seat next to the driver and there is someone in the seat behind you, do you move your seat up, so as to make sure the person behind you has enough leg room?

6) When you have a guest staying overnight in your house, do you make sure they have an extra blanket on a cold night?

7) When you’re in church and the rows are long, do you move into the middle, so as to let folks into the benches without climbing over you?

8) When someone wants the outside seat and you have to climb over them, do you assume their motivation is claustrophobia or diarrhea or urinary problems – and they might need to move to the bathroom on the double?

9) When you’re parking your car on the street and you know the folks next door are up there in age and like the spot right in front of their house, and you could take it, because someone is in your usual spot, but you park down the street, so as to make it convenient for your neighbors?

10) When you’re all alone with yourself, are you comfortable with yourself or is anger or anxiety or inadequacy or guilt your middle name?

11) Are you comfortable with "Yes" "No" questionnaires, that don't provide an "All Depends" or "Undecided" or "Sometimes" possibility?

SECOND ISAIAH

Today’s first reading is the beginning of what they call, "Deutero-Isaiah" or "Second Isaiah" – Chapters 40 to 55. It’s also called “The Book of Comfort.”

It wasn’t till the 18th Century that scholars began to say that all 66 chapters of Isaiah were not from the same author. Some had thought that centuries before – like Ibn Ezra who lived around 1167 – but in the 18th century, scholars were saying the first part of Isaiah was from 150 years earlier and this section of Isaiah was written to speak to those in the Babylonian Exile. (1)

There was a call to give comfort to the people in slavery and to give them the hope of a New Exodus.

Obviously, hopefully, every human being wants to give comfort to those in horrible situations - those in Darfur or those in Somalia or those out of work – or those whose house burnt down.

Hopefully our heart feels anguish for the homeless on these cold nights.

Hopefully our heart feels the pain of the family that is ripped apart by a death – a tragedy – a crime – a rape – a horror.

When I walk down the corridor at St. Mary’s Rectory on Duke of Gloucester Street on Monday evening or Wednesday afternoon, I feel for all the poor that the people of St. Mary’s are helping – especially those who volunteer their time and love ministering in our St. Vincent de Paul Society.

Comfort. Give comfort to my people.

BAPTISM OF JESUS

Today the Church celebrates the Baptism of Jesus.

Looking at the readings, one key message for this feast is that it is celebrating the moment Jesus starts his public ministry.

He goes to the Jordan River to be baptized by John the Baptist – and the Holy Spirit in the form of a dove – we’ve seen that image in church art – and vestments – comes down from the heavens and lands on Jesus. Then a voice also comes from the heavens and says, “You are my beloved Son; with you I am well pleased.”

I’ve often wondered if the reference to the dove is a reference to the story of Noah who sends out the dove from the ark on the flooded earth – and the dove comes back empty beaked – and Noah sends it out again after 7 days and this time it comes back bearing an olive branch – and Noah knew there was land somewhere – and he waited another 7 days and he sent it out again – and this time it did not return – and Noah knew the horror was over.

Is the message of the landing of the dove on Jesus the message that with Jesus the horror is over?

Is the message of the voice from heaven that Jesus is the Beloved Son and when we realize that’s how he treated every person he met – as a beloved son or daughter, brother or sister, when we do that, we will be doing our part to bring peace in this world and an end to horror stories.

CONCLUSION

And how do we bring peace – bring comfort to our world?

One way is to do what Jesus did – wash feet, listen to people, heal and feed people – or as Second Isaiah put it: Comfort. Give comfort to my people.

That’s our call – that’s our baptismal call.

Obviously we couldn’t do it, if and when we were baptized as a baby, but the day hopefully comes or has come, when we begin our second baptism – our call from God like the call of this Isaiah in today’s first reading or Jesus in the gospel to bring comfort to his people.

(1) The New Jerome Biblical Commentary, edited by Brown, Fitzmyer, and Murphy, "Deutero-Isaiah and Trito-Isaiah," p. 329. This section was written by Carrol Styhlmueller, C.P.

THE LEGEND
OF THE DOVE

Jesus grew up hearing The Legend of the Dove.

Every Jewish kid grew up hearing The Legend of the Dove.

At the birth of every new baby boy, the Rabbi or others – especially grandparents – who always say the nicest things about new born babies – would lift up the baby boy and say, “Maybe this one will be the Messiah. Maybe this one will be the one, the dove lands on.”

Did anyone ever lift up a girl?

That’s The Legend of the Dove. One day a dove is going to land on someone and that someone will be the Messiah.

The landing of the dove on someone’s shoulder will be the sign.

And because the people longed for the Messiah, the Savior, the Redeemer, the Christ, which means the Anointed One, whenever people saw a dove they would stop to watch where it would land. Every time there was disappointment because every time a dove never landed on anyone’s shoulder.

Yet people watched and hoped – all through the years – to see if a dove would land on someone’s shoulder.

They would hope and pray for a Messiah, the Christ, the Anointed One, the Savior, especially during times of war – or enslavement – or drought or horror.

The Legend started way, way, way back in Jewish History – way, way back – as far back as the time of Noah.

The Legend started this way: the whole world was flooded in this big, big flood and the only people who survived were Noah and his family.

Ooops, okay there were also two of each animal – male and female – giraffes – hippos – orangutans – skunks – etc. etc. and etc.

Well, as an obvious result, that ship was noisy and smelly. There was honking and hooting all day and all night long.

What’s more, Noah and his family were sick and tired of rain – rain – and more rain – water, water, water everywhere – and the smell of animals, lots of animals, everywhere on the big boat called the Ark.

Finally the rain stopped and Noah and his family – the lions and the monkeys – the giraffes and the elephants – looked out each day – hoping to see land – land – somewhere.

Slowly the waters went down – slowly mountain tops appeared.

With that Noah sent out two ravens – who flew around – and then they disappeared.

Then Noah released a dove. Remember there were only two doves. It flew around – but having nowhere to really land, it came back.

Noah waited another 7 days and he sent the dove out again and it brought back in its beak, an olive branch.

There was hope in the air.

Noah waited another 7 days and he sent off the dove again and it never returned.

No one knew where it landed – but out of that story grew the story or the Legend of the Dove – that the dove would come back and land on the shoulder of some person – some time – the right time – and that person would be the Messiah or the Savior.

Jesus – like every Jewish kid – grew up hearing the Legend of the Dove.

Mary – knowing who Jesus was – watched and watched. Joseph – knowing who Jesus was – also watched and watched – wondering when would be the day when Jesus would leave home and start his work as our Savior.

In the meanwhile, Jesus went about his Father’s business – working in the carpenter shop with Joseph – going to the synagogue on the Sabbath – learning new stuff every Sabbath – learning new stuff every day – growing in wisdom and age and grace before God and others.

Jesus would learn about wood – about how to build a door – and how to build a house on rock and not on sand.

Jesus learned about a shepherd who had 100 sheep and one was lost and the shepherd didn’t say, “No big deal. I still have 99 sheep.” Nope he went out into the hills and the wilderness till he found his lost sheep. And Jesus stood there that day and saw this shepherd coming home with the lost sheep on his shoulders and the greatest smile on his face.

Jesus learned about people – that some people would give the shirt off their back or go the extra mile for a friend – and others wouldn’t. And he saw some people getting hurt and some would forgive the person who hurt them and some didn’t – and he would notice that those who forgave seemed much happier than those who didn’t.

When Jesus went to the synagogue – he noticed that different people had different reactions: some didn’t listen; some made great promises – but they didn’t last; some were too busy, they had too many irons in the fire; and some listened and learned and grew. While watching a farmer farming – planting seed – he realized it’s the same story as what was happening in the synagogue. The farmer throwing seed on the ground was like the rabbi sowing words into the air. Some seed landed on the path and it didn’t grow. Some seed landed in shallow soil and it didn’t really grow. Some seed landed on good soil, but too many things were already growing there. The seed didn’t have a chance; and some seed landed on good soil and produced good fruit, 30, 60 and 100fold.

Then one day Jesus heard about John the Baptist – his cousin – and he left home to go down to the Jordan River to see what John was all about.

And after listening to John preach he asked John to baptize him.

And as John was baptizing Jesus, the heavens opened and down came the Holy Spirit as a dove and landed on Jesus’ shoulder.

Then a voice from the heavens could be heard to say, “You are my beloved Son; with you, I am well pleased.”

And someone in the crowd said, “It’s the Legend of the Dove. It just landed on that man!”

This is a first draft story I made up last night for this morning's Children's Mass. The feast is the Baptism of Jesus. January 10, 2010. The gospel reading was Luke 3:15-16, 21-22. After the little kids' Mass I asked out loud if the story made any sense and this little kids yelled out, "No!" Everyone laughed. That's the last time I'll ask that question.

NERVOUS

IN THE PRESENCE 

OF EXCELLENCE

Quote of the Day: January 10, 2010

“The sad truth is that excellence makes people nervous.”

Shana Alexander [1925-2005], The Feminist Eye: Neglected Kids – The Bright Ones, 1970

YOU'RE   BEAUTIFUL

Quote of the Day: January 9,  2010

“I’m tired of all this business about beauty being only skin-deep. That’s deep enough. What do you want – an adorable pancreas.”

Jean Kerr [1922-2003], Mirror, Mirror on the Wall, in The Snake Has All the Lines.

A TEACHER CALLED ILLNESS

Quote of the Day: January 8,  2010

"Illness tells us what we are."






Italian Proverb

IN A RUT?

Quote of the Day:  January 7,  2010


“Choose your rut carefully; you’ll be in it for the next ten miles.”


Road sign in Upstate New York

DÉJÀ VU

“Happy New Year!” I hear that
from all those around me at this
year's New Year’s Eve Party.
I hear the horns – along with
the fireworks in the distance –
along with the hugs and kisses
of the present moment. But now
that I’m 70, the fear of déjà vu
is the loudest horn, the loudest
bang – the kiss that I can’t miss....
Yet, I stand there, hope in hand,
risks in mind, remembering
all those screaming dreams
I want to realize before I die:
the resolve to avoid all those déjà vu’s
that would prevent a Happy New Year.

© Andy Costello, Reflections, 2010

FRIENDSHIPS

Quote of the Day:  January 6, 2010

“One friend in a lifetime is much, two are many, three are hardly possible.”

Henry Brooks Adams [1838-1918], The Education of Henry Adams, 1916

Picture with two friends and classmates, Tom Deely [Right] and Clem Krug [Left] in Montana - 2004 - while doing a Lewis and Clark Bicentennial Vacation

COMPLAIN - 

COMPLAIN - COMPLAIN

Quote for the Day:  January 5,  2010



“I personally think we developed language because of our deep inner need to complain.”



Jane Wagner [1935- ], The Search for Intelligent Life in the Universe, 1986, performed by Lily Tomlin [1939- ]

WHAT DO YOU GET
OUT OF THE BED
IN THE MORNING FOR?

Quote of the Day:  - January 4, 2010


“Do you know what the greatest test is? Do you still get excited about what you do when you get up in the morning?”


David Halberstam [1934-1937]

[Picture on top of my brother "Billy" or "Pat" and his family - and dog, Polly". He would have been 75 years of age today. Happy Birthday.]

TWO GIFTS

INTRODUCTION

The title of my homily is, “Two Gifts.”

We have just come through another Christmas and so we know about gifts. Does everyone – everyone – have at least one special person in their life – that they took time and care to pick the right gift for that person: a spouse, a parent, a child, a friend?

Hopefully, we have several good close people in our life. In my experience, I think at times people toss around the term “friend” too loosely. I have often thought about the comment, “If you have or had 5 really close friends in your life, you’re lucky.” I always love it when someone says with great depth and sometimes tears – like at a 25th wedding anniversary, that their spouse has been or has become their best friend. I was at a 25th wedding anniversary celebration here in Annapolis last Tuesday evening and the wife said just that.

When getting the perfect gift for the perfect person, we first think about that person. We do some figuring. Then we decide – or we go shopping – look around – and then we decide on a perfect gift.

So we know about gifts.

THE MAGI

This Sunday we are celebrating the feast of the Epiphany – and we probably have heard comments that the gifts of the Magi – the Wise Men – would have been different – if they were 3 Wise Women.

There would have arrived on time. They would have cleaned the stable. They would have brought a casserole. They would have brought practical gifts like diapers.

Someone also said, “They would have asked for directions.” However, in reality, in the story in Matthew, the Magi or Wise Men do ask directions. It’s a key part of the story – to let Herod in on the birth of the new king – to create a tension - to give a hint about the horrible thing that is about to happen.

Looking at the gifts the Magi brought Christ, we can say that gold is practical. Frankincense, incense? That might be practical in a barn – with those smells – but myrrh? I don’t know.

However, we have surely heard down through the years, that Matthew’s story has many symbols in it – as well as several leads to other texts and stories in the scriptures. With these 3 gifts, Matthew might be telling us the following about Christ: gold that he is king; incense that he is divine – the smoke rises; and myrrh – that he is going to suffer.

And scholars like to point out that Matthew might be telling his Jewish community that Jesus is the New Moses. Just as there was the slaughter of the little boys in the Moses story by the Pharaoh– in the Book of Exodus, so too Jesus is the New Moses – who survives the slaughter by the New Pharaoh, Herod, and he will lead us through a New Exodus – through the waters of Baptism – into a New Promised Land and New Life. And Matthew is the only gospel that brings Jesus into Egypt – which strengthens the image of Jesus as the New Moses – because Moses saves his people by leading them out of Egypt.

QUESTION

I was visiting my sister Mary in Pennsylvania for the last couple of days – so on the drive up on Wednesday and the drive back today – I had more time than usual - 3 hours each way - to think about this feast and this homily.

It struck me: if I had to come up with one gift to give to Christ – today – not back then – what gift would I give?

I remembered the Drummer Boy song – how he didn’t have any gift to give to the New Born King – then it hit him that he would play a song – with his drum for the New Born King. I don’t know about you, but that has always been one of my favorite Christmas songs.

Trouble is I can’t play any musical instrument. Years ago I did try the trombone for two weeks – but gave up. I can do the scales on the piano. I can play the “Do a deer, a female deer, Re a drop of golden sun,” song from The Sound of Music, but that's as far as I got on the piano.

As I was driving and thinking about all this during the past few days, I remembered a wonderful moment from long ago. I was with our Redemptorist novices at a 3 day Internovitiate program in an Ossining, New York retreat house. There were about 60 young men and women – who were in the process of living and figuring out if they wanted to be nuns, priests or religious brothers in the various religious orders making the program.

It was around 11:30 at night and I was sitting and praying in this big chapel – in the dark. The only light was the red candle next to the tabernacle in the distance. As far as I know I was the only person in this chapel – and I was sitting there off the side – in a back row – making a holy hour.

A door opened on the other side of the chapel and in walked someone – who came up the main aisle and then walked into the sanctuary. The person sat down on the floor in front of the tabernacle leaning into the altar. I kept absolutely quiet – not wanting to disturb him or her. Then I heard the clips of what sounded like a guitar case open. Then I heard the sound of someone grasping a guitar. Then this person began to sing a love song to Jesus – in Spanish. It was a she and she sounded like a young woman – and it was beautiful. She finished – and put the guitar back in the case – clipped it closed – and she sat there for another ten minutes – and then got up and left.

It’s one of those lifetime memories that we all have – surprise gifts – in the dark.

I remained silent the whole time. I’m glad I didn’t cough or creak a bench.

Afterwards it struck me: “How does God do all these prayers and songs – from all the people all around our world – each day, each night? How does that work? How does God work?”

I sat there – knowing I can’t sing – but I can say, “Thank You, God. Thank You, God, for everything, every day, every night, for everyone in my life – especially close friends. Amen.”

The question still remained: Ii I was to give God or the Christ – a gift today, what would I give?

While driving and thinking about this the last few days, - especially with the arrival of the New Year, – along with the thought of a new year and new year’s resolutions – which never last, I said, “Okay, this year I will try to really be present to the person I am with – or those I am with. When preaching I’ll try to really look at people. I can look right at people but not see them. I’m often somewhere else. I noticed in an article in one of the papers last month ­that the difference between Oprah and Donohue in talk show interviews was this: Oprah looks right at people and Donohue looked at people from the side. I think the article was implying that women look right at the person they are talking to – whereas men don’t. I don’t know if that’s true, but I’ve been watching myself and others this past month. I know I tend to look from the side – or don’t concentrate at all.

Listening, looking, being with another, is tough stuff. But that’s my New Year’s Resolution. So when I am eating with people I’ll try to pay attention to what people are saying – the priests I live with – and anyone I’m with. The trouble is we’ve all heard and been with those we know too often. We often know what triggers what. We know other’s stories by heart. You know our sermons and what we're off on by now.

Listening, really trying to listen, looking, really looking at the people I’m with this year, I’ll try to give that gift to the Body of Christ.

“Okay,” I said to myself, “I have a gift to give.”

Now how about you?

GIFT TO ME

Then an old Jesuit practice hit me – the idea of being quiet when praying to Jesus - and then to ask him to give us a specific gift.

I smiled at that, because that’s what we humans do. We give gifts to those we love and they give a gift in return.

“Okay, Jesus,” I said while driving, “what gift are you going to give me?”

Silence….

Then it hit me. I heard Jesus saying, “Okay, I'll give you the challenge of really listening and really looking at the people you are with this year. Go for it.”

“Cute!” I said to Jesus in reply – while driving.

Then I heard in my mind the words of the Nike ad, “Just do it!”

CONCLUSION

Having gone through all this, I felt a sense of gratitude. Nice: I had a sermon thought. Nice: I have a resolution for the New Year. Nice: Jesus was giving me undivided attention and challenging me. Thank you, Lord. Thank you.

How about you? What gift can you bring to Jesus and what gift does Jesus want to give to you?



Painting on top by Hans Memling, c. 1470, in the Prado Museum, Madrid

WAITING FOR MY STAR,

WAITING FOR EPIPHANIES.

Quote of the Day: - January 3, 2010

“I await my star.” [J’attends mon astre.]


Carlo Alberto [1798-1849], the king of Sardinia in Italy, made this the motto of his house, the House of Savoy.

MOUNTAINS CAN MOVE!

Quote of the Day: -- January 2,  2010

“A little snow, tumbled about / Anon becomes a mountain.”


Shakespeare [Baptized 1564-1616], King John, Act. III, scene 4, line 176

ONE DAY,

ONE WEEK,

ONE YEAR AT A TIME,

SWEET JESUS.

Quote for the Day:  January 1,  2010

“I am not afraid of tomorrow, for I have seen yesterday and I love today.”

William Allen White [1868-1944]

YOUR FAMILY AS A NOVEL

INTRODUCTION

The title of my homily is, “Your Family as A Novel!”

How’s that for a novel idea?

Writers – and teachers of creative writing courses – often say to those who want to write, “Write about what you know about; don’t write about, what you don’t know about!” Now that’s common sense.

If you wrote a novel about your family, would anyone want to read it? What would be the surprises? Would it be a page turner? Would it be funny? Would it be sad? What would be the name of the chapters? If it were published, would some story cause family “Uh oh’s?” Would there be lawsuits?

The beauty of a novel is that you can make the facts fiction and the fiction facts.

If you wrote a novel about your family, what would be its title?

HOLY FAMILY SUNDAY

This Sunday is Holy Family Sunday and the Church puts this feast at a perfect time: to reflect on our family near the end of one year – near the beginning of a new year. What has this year been like for your family? What are your hopes for next year?

And this feast is right at Christmas time. And it’s my perception that Christmas is the feast of the immediate family, while Thanksgiving is the feast of the extended family. I don’t know if that’s true for every family. I sense that the weather being better for November means married brothers and sisters get together with their families for Thanksgiving Dinner more than they do for Christmas.

Moreover, Christmas is more intimate. It’s smaller. The key moment is the opening of gifts together – especially to see the faces of little kids. Wrapping paper is important. Days before, kids picking up and shaking and weighing with one’s hands – and guessing and hoping what’s inside a wrapped box is part of the liturgy of family Christmas.

That’s my perception. I don’t know if I’m right. What’s your perception? What’s your family practice? If you were writing a novel, you have to notice these things.

END OF THE YEAR

At the end of the year the media likes to look backwards: picking the top ten events – top ten movies – top ten games – significant deaths – etc. I don’t know about your family, but for years now, we ask each other on New Year’s Eve, “What was your year like? What happened? What were the top ten moments? What was the top moment?”

Then we make predictions for the New Year. I am looking forward to doing this again on December 31st when I’m with my two sisters.

Looking at your family, what was 2009 like for you?

Looking at your family, what are your dreams for 2010 or even the next decade?

Looking at your family, what is the state of the union?

Looking at your family, what does the story sound like?

If it was a novel, what plots and subplots are going on? What are the key events? What are the stories – and the threads of the stories? Who are the key characters? How do they act and interact? How good are you in constructing dialogue? Listen to your family talking to each other. What do they talk about? What are your everyday scenes? Could you put them together in words – recreating what you heard and saw in writing?

TODAY’S READINGS

Today’s readings give us a few options and a few choice ideas and values to reflect upon.

The first reading from the First Book of Samuel [1:20-22, 24-28] is giving us early hints about the future greatness of Samuel. Hints – foreshadowing – is another key to good writing.

The second reading from the First Letter of John [3:1-2, 21-24] tells us we are all called into the Family of God – and the revelation is that when we live as God’s children – we become more and more like God.

And today’s gospel from Luke [2: 41-52] tells the story about Jesus being lost for 3 days – and he is coming of age and says, “I must be about his father’s business.”

If I hear teenagers, if I hear parents, I keep hearing a message of the struggle in growing up – becoming one’s own person – breaking free – yet Jesus supposedly didn’t leave home till he was around 30.

Sometimes I say to teenagers, “Thank God if your parents are strong. Those who lift weights or exercise, push against what is heavy.” Hopefully, parents are strong and want you to make good strong decisions in your life. Hopefully, they care to push and press. Hopefully, they don’t want you to make stupid moves.”

Family. Parenting. Obviously love, balance, and clarity are called for.

What are your reflections this Holy Family Sunday about your family?

If you wrote a novel and you used your family as background, what would the story sound like? Would it be holy?

FAMILY: HAPPY OR UNHAPPY?

I’m guessing that I’ve read Leo Tolstoy’s interesting quote about families about 4 times this year. Each time I wonder, just what did he mean? I don’t know if it’s true. The quote is the opening words of his novel, Anna Karenina, [1878], “Happy families are all alike; every unhappy family is unhappy in its own way.”

Is that true? What does that mean? Does that trigger anything for you? Do you agree with that? If you were in Barnes and Noble or Borders and you picked up Anna Karenina and read the opening words of the book, “Happy families are all alike; every unhappy family is unhappy in its own way.” – would you want to read the whole novel?

It’s the whole first paragraph of the story – and I think it’s a great hook?

I think it’s a clever book promotion by Tolstoy.

Without ruining the novel, it describes how this group of connected people – some family – get themselves into various itchy situations – causing lots of unhappiness. It tells about affairs, rejection, a wife living with a husband she doesn’t want to live with, fighting, flirting, accusations, gossip, pregnancy by someone else. The Anna Karenina principle goes like this: “In any system, no one factor guarantees success; however there are factors that guarantee failure.”

And the novel talks about a lot of failures.

Is that the formula for a successful novel? Is unhappiness the formula for a successful novel?

I always remember something a former Los Angeles cop, Joseph Wambaugh, said about the key to his novels and the long time ago NBC TV show, Police Story. “I have people bringing problems in their marriages into work and I have people having problems at work bringing them home.”

How’s that for a family dynamic? The “How was your day?” question can sometimes be very significant in how we treat one another.

Are you taking out on me – what you didn’t take out on someone else?

As priest I wonder if I have heard more of the tough stuff, the rough stuff, the problem stuff, than the good stuff. I wonder if I have heard more about unhappiness than happiness. I was thinking about this as I was putting together this homily last night. I don’t think I have become cynical. I hope not. I have thought at times, “Write a novel!” I started one about a priest and didn’t get that far. I’m too busy. I would like to write more. But I always say to myself what a bishop once told me, “Some of my priests are interfacing more with a computer screen than they are with human faces.” Seeing so many people texting and twittering, cell phoning and computing, this problem the bishop was talking about is not just a priest avoiding people problem, it’s a human being avoiding human being problem.

So If I ever get time to write, that will certainly be part of the story. Trouble is, I don’t get to retire till I am retired. So I figure I’ll have increased dementia and increased need to get to the bathroom – and I won’t be able to finish my novel. But if I do finish it, I promise you, you’ll be in it, but the names will be changed to protect the innocent.

CONCLUSION

How do I end this novel homily?

I don’ t know. So let me close with a quote from another novelist, Jane Austen. In her novel, Emma [1816], she wrote, “Nobody, who has not seen the interior of a family, can say what the difficulties of any individual of that family may be.”

In other words, only we the family know the inside pages, what’s inside the cover of our family book. Only I, the one inside the covers of my skin, know what’s going on inside me.

So I guess the first step is to make sure we take the time to listen to ourselves, to talk to each other and read each other’s stories.

The picture on top is that of a family wedding I saw while on a Baltic Cruise. It was taking place in St. Petersburg, Russia, on the banks of the Neva River - August 28, 2009. Why the picture? Family. Okay. But also scenes from Anna Karenina take place in St. Petersburg. Is that enough? I don't know. Whatever. I was looking for an interesting picture - to capture my theme: Your Family As A Novel. If you're reading this, I caught you to get this far. Smile.

SEEING THROUGH
THE BACK OF YOUR HEAD

Sitting there at church – Christmas Mass – Jack was taking it all in – front and back – and all around him. Great images. Great scenes. Great drama. The stage called “Church”. And not just the Christmas crib up front – but the people – the people everywhere.

Sitting there at Mass, he chucked inwardly. He said, “Aha!” to himself. He was realizing for the first time that the term, “Christmas Mass” is redundant. It’s repeating itself. It’s like saying, “Mass Mass” twice. Christmas means, “Christ’s Mass”. “M – A – S” – the last 3 letters of “Christmas” – is the word for “mass”, but without the final “S”. “I never realized that till now,” he thought to himself. Then he said to himself, “No wonder Catholics come to Mass at Christmas time. I get it. Good.”

Sitting there at Mass he always did a lot of this kind of thinking – but come to think about it – Jack did a lot of thinking all the time. His 3 kids in describing their dad years later – to their spouse or friends – would say, “My dad was very quiet – but when he said something, you found out, he did a lot of thinking about what he said.”

Sitting there at Mass, Jack began thinking about something his dad had taught him way back when.

I guess at Christmas time, we do a lot of thinking – a lot of remembering of mom and dad – our sisters and brothers – when we were kids – and it was Christmas.

Sitting there at Mass he remembered something his dad had taught him some 40 years earlier. His dad taught him to see through the back of his head.

He remembered the moment – the teaching moment – when this life lesson took place. The classroom was Macy’s Department Store. It was Christmas time – and he and his dad were on the line going up to see Santa Claus – to tell Santa what he wanted for Christmas.

The line was long – very long. When they finally got up to Santa, his dad turned and looked backwards. He saw lots of kids with their dads and moms on the long line. Then his dad said to Santa Claus, ‘Santa, you need a break – a bathroom break? Go for it now – because there’s a long line coming. My son and I can wait. I’ll stand here and say, ‘It’s my fault.’”

Santa was taken by surprise and said, “Buddy, thank you. Thank you. Nobody has ever said that to me all these years – these 17 years I’ve been doing Santa Claus. Great. Just give me 7 minutes. I’ll be right back.”

His father turned – and with hands raised in a “Whoa!” gesture, palms open and facing the long line – he said loudly to the crowd: “Santa will be right back! Relax.”

And Santa went to the bathroom.

Then he came back with a cup of coffee, two donuts for himself – in fact, his stomach was not a pillow, but a lot of donuts – and he also had two chocolate chip cookies, one for Jack and one for his dad – all in both hands.

Then out came a big, “Ho, ho, ho! Now let’s get back to you kids! Son, what’s your name?”

And his father said, “His name is John.”

And Jack told Santa, “It’s Jack!”

“Ho, ho, ho, Jack,” Santa said as he put down his cup of coffee. “Now Jack what do you want for Christmas?”

And Jack remembered there in church that Christmas Mass – exactly what he wanted when he was 7 years old and it was almost Christmas. He told Santa he wanted a baseball glove and a flexible flyer sled.

Jack didn’t see his dad winking at Santa. Jack didn’t have eyes in the back of his head yet. But looking back now he smiled and said to himself, “That must have been what happened, because now being a dad, that’s what dads do.”

And Santa said, “We’ll see about that!” and Jack remembered that’s exactly what he got that Christmas.

It was then – at that moment – that Santa said it. “Mister, thanks for getting me the bathroom break. They never think about that around here. You must have eyes in the back of your head – seeing all those people behind you. Thank you.”

In time, Jack realized his dad did have eyes in the back of his head.

In high school football Jack played linebacker and his dad went to all his home games. One game Jack sacked the other team’s quarterback 4 times. And that night his dad told him. “When I played football I also played linebacker. And I learned there are two kinds of quarterbacks, those who can sense someone coming at them from the blind side – and those who can’t. You were lucky today – because he never saw you coming all 4 times. I was watching. Good job. And the best I ever did, was one game when I got 2 quarterback sacks.”

In college Jack didn’t play football. Yet he went to a couple of games every season with his dad. All through the years his two sisters and his mom didn’t like football. “Boring. Boring. Boring!” they would chant in a refrain – whenever they saw Jack and his dad watching a football game on TV or talking about football.

Thinking back, Jack said to himself, “My dad only corrected me once. And it was at a football game. I stood up to watch a running back who had broken through the line and was going 76 yards for a touchdown. Dad pulled my sleeve and said, 'Jack there are people behind you, who are also trying to see the game.'”

And he thought, “Dad knew that without turning his head.”

And some tears came into his eyes and a squinch – the squinch we get in the side of our head – just above the front of our ears – when there are this kind of tears.

“That was dad.”

Jack thought about all these things as he looked around the church that Christmas Mass. “Wow do I miss him – especially at Christmas.”

And as he looked up at the pulpit – and the front of the church – that Christmas Mass, he remembered the eulogy he gave at his dad’s funeral in this very church just two years ago – December.

He began by telling everyone his dad once told him his favorite Gospel story was the one about the miracle of the wine at Cana in Galilee – when Mary noticed that the wedding party was about to run out of wine. And that was the gospel story the family picked for their dad’s funeral. “Life,” my dad said, “is all about others – not oneself. Get that and you got life. Get that and you got happiness. Get that and you got God.”

In the funeral eulogy for his dad, he told everyone how his dad taught him not only to check the rear view mirror when wanting to move into another lane when doing highway driving – but to make a quick turn to actually see who might be behind you. Dad would often say, “You have to have eyes in the back of your head, if you want to be a good driver – if you want to make it in this life.”

“So looking back,” Jack said in his dad’s eulogy, “ the greatest gift my dad ever gave me – was not a baseball glove or a flexible flyer sled, not his old car or my first bike, but his message of being aware of other people – especially those coming up behind you.

“And dad practiced what he preached. He said little – but wow was he aware of other people – giving some people lots of room – giving others a chance to shine and get credit – like he always did for my mom – always making her #1.”


Sitting there he continued remembering the words he said in the eulogy, “Like in coming to the door at our house or coming into church or a store, my dad would open the door and never simply walk through. For some reason he would always stop and turn and sometimes there would be another person coming behind and he would either hold the door for them – or actually step back and let them go through first – sometimes three or four people in a row – often people who were perfect strangers.”

Sitting there in Church, this Christmas, two years later, Jack felt very thankful – in his memories about his dad.

“That’s my dad,” he said to himself again – as if his dad was sitting there right behind him in church that Christmas Mass. “What a great Christmas gift he was. Thank you, Dad. Thank You, God.”

[This is my 17th annual Christmas story in memory of Father John Duffy, CSSR - who always wrote a Christmas story for his niece. He asked me to type a few of them for him. When we got the call that he died that Christmas Eve in 1993, I was just beginning to work on my Christmas homily. It struck me to write a Christmas story in memory of him for that Christmas - in place of coming up with a Christmas homily - and I've been doing these Christmas stories ever since.]

CHRISTMAS

GREETINGS!

May

you know

the glory of God
in red berries and the glisten
and glow of new cold snow.
May you be surprised in church,
not just with Jesus in the crib and
the cross, the bread and the crowd,
but by 99 quiet babies in cradles

and 1 baby who is crying

till she spots you

and then she starts to laugh.
And may you be there at the
exact moment on Christmas morn,
when children rush in to rip open their gifts

from under the Christmas tree;
but especially

may you always have room
in your Inn for Christ.
O come let us adore him.
O come let us adore him.
Christ the Lord.

© Reflections, 2009, Andy Costello

With your mouse

put the arrow or cursor

on a red berry and tap, tap,

[twice]

and see those beautiful red berries

in our Marian Garden up close and cold.