September 17,  2022

Reflection

LISTENING SKILLS  # 1

I would suspect - think - that awareness of what another says triggers my memories - the stories inside of me.

I would think being aware of that - is the first step in getting to the number one skill in listening.

Jack says, "When we were kids, we used to go to Coney Island." Then he adds, "I loved that - especially going to Nathan's - and getting a hot dog and an orange drink - before we headed back home by the subway."

Jill hears that. 

However, the words, "Coney Island" triggers memories of the parachute and the Cyclone roller coaster and the Steeplechase Amusement Park and the beach and running down into the water.

She could hear and listen to Jack's words - but instead, she first  hears and concentrates on the images that come flooding and flowing into her upper room - into her mind and her memory.

Now she's ready for Listening Skill # 1.

If Jill says to herself, "Okay, I have these memories - these my takes - on Coney Island as a kid - but let me go back to what Jack just said.

If Jill then says to Jack, "I have my memories. You just triggered a bunch for me,  but tell me again what you loved about Coney Island as a kid."

If Jill does that, then she is using skill # 1.

She's actually listening.

Listening is that decision - to put myself aside - and really listen to another - to their stuff and their takes on life.

Everything another says triggers  our stuff.

But listening is looking at and sorting out another's stuff.

Our memories are 1 million buttons.

Others and other things keep hitting those buttons. 

Turning them off and listening to what other's buttons hit - is real listening.

Dementia is the loss of memory.

As we age we have more and more trouble with names - of persons, places and things.

So having our memories jarred, is a good thing. It shows we still have them and we make connections.

As a preacher - speaking to 800 people on a Sunday morning - wow I'm hitting lots of buttons.

I pause - saying to myself - I'm triggering a lot of stuff right now. I imagine the inner conversations going on in the minds and memories of those present - a tiny bit of which I triggered. They have stuff from yesterday and last week to sort out - and church time is as good as any time to chew on them.

As a preacher I have to laugh at myself at the times I thought everyone was listening.

I say the word "orange".

Imagine what that word could trigger: Halloween, Florida, a basketball, throwing an orange that broke a window, West Orange, New Jersey, a girl friend from 31 years ago who love orange laces in her sneakers. 

So what am I saying here?

Skill # 1 in listening is the trying to be aware of what another is saying - yes it triggers my past - but if I want to really listen to another - I try to hear their past.

Dwelling on my stuff - my memories - diminishes my listening to another - and what they are saying and thinking.

But when I say, "Shut up my memories - and hear this other person's memories" watch what happens?

The other feels recognized and heard - and a moment of receiving Holy Communion.