March 16, 2015

IF YOU….

“If you got a hole in the back of your pants,

lean against the wall or sit down, stupid.”

“If you put on 15 pounds in the last month,

don’t bring up the subject of food, especially

in front of critical thin people.”

“If you are with a fat person, please, please,

please, don’t bring up the subject of them

being overweight or diets.  They are having

that conversation with themselves every

day of the week.”

“If you’re lonely or moaning, don’t hang out

with lonely or moaning type people.”

“If you are trying to find a place to park your car,

avoid parking near a nail factory, hardware store,

carpenter shop, or a house going up.”

“If you are an alcoholic, learn to love root beer floats.”

“If you are going to cheat in a test by looking

over the shoulder of the person in front of you,

make sure they can spell and they are an A student.”

“If you are going to go to church once every 5 years,

make sure you don’t sit in the first row.”

“If you eat fast and you are going to have meatballs

and spaghetti, don’t wear anything white.”

“If you want to dress well, shop in a Goodwill Store

near a rich neighborhood.”

“If you want to feel better, quick, do something

for someone else quickly, but don’t tell anyone.”

© Andy Costello, Reflections, 2015