FAMILY  CONVERSATIONS

INTRODUCTION

The title of my homily is, “Family Conversations.”

Today we’re celebrating the Feast of the Holy Family.

I assume the call is to look at our family life and have a conversation on the question: “How are we doing?”  And then plan and work to make things better - if better is called for and agreed upon.

YESTERDAY - AT A WEDDING

I got the idea for this homily  from something a couple mentioned to me in a conversation we had yesterday at a wedding reception.

We were just standing there talking - at the tiny food time - hors d'oeuvres  - before the sit down dinner. It's the part of the wedding reception that I like the most. It's because it’s before the blast of the music. It’s when people can talk to each other. “How are you doing? What’s new? What’s happening? Haven't seen you in 100 years.”

Yesterday, this couple was telling me  that they used to do marriage preparation. This was years ago - up in New York - out on Long Island.

They said that 4 couples - who were to be married - would come to their house for 4 sessions - on 4 different nights. Their two sons loved it because around 5 PM they would say, “What are the goodies for tonight mom?”

This couple said, “Looking back we learned the most from doing this - more than the couples heading for marriage.”

How many times have we heard, the teacher learns the most - the preacher as well - hopefully.

Another couple who used to do this in Chicago had told me what they learned from helping with marriage preparation. It was this: the most important moment for most couples was when they asked a couple to say their vows - in a practice session - out loud to each other.

After hearing that, when I meet with couples, I’ve do that with every couple. I learned.

Well this couple yesterday said, “Couples told us that the most important thing they learned in their marriage preparation sessions with us was the drive home after  the evening sessions. They said they would be talking about stuff from that evening - stuff they had never talked about before.

If you’re married here's a question for you today: when was the last best conversation you and your spouse?"  What triggered it? What were the questions that came up? How did the conversation go? Any follow up?

SPECIFIC ISSUES

In thinking about this - last night - while putting together this homily  - I asked: “What are the key topics for conversation in marriage and family life?”

Obviously, the first question is the January government question: “The state of the union address - the state of the state address - or what have you.”

It’s the “How are we doing question?”

It's a good, "New Year's question."

My first week - in my first  assignment - Most Holy Redeemer Parish - on the Lower East Side of New York - a couple were coming in to talk about their upcoming marriage. I had just got out of the seminary and I had no clue about marriage. I was to find out I had no clue about anything.  That afternoon I just happened to pick up the New York Daily News and the Inquiring Photographer was a regular feature in that paper. A question was asked and 4 people would answer it. It was underneath  their photograph. Well, that day the question was about marriage and someone said, “The top three problems in marriage are: money, sex and in-laws.” Well, I told that couple that comment that night and they paused and said, “Wow! You’re right.” That was 1967.  Is that still right?

There’s a specific question for a couple to begin a conversation with: “What are our three top questions.”

When I am on Kairos' Retreats with our high school kids - St. Mary’s Kids - I’ve been on 34 of them so far - and a lot more retreats - with a lot more people before coming here - one of my first questions I ask kids in any small group I get: “What do meals look like in your family?”

I think every family needs to reflect on that question.

My second question would be “expectations”.

What do we expect around here?

Then after getting expectations - I like to ask people to add adjectives.

Key adjectives would be: unrealistic, unknown [as in I didn’t know that - or you never brought that up before].  Other adjectives would be: fair, unfair, changed….

The third question would be a fishing expedition. Okay, what else do we need to address. This could  bring up topics like time together, vacations, the Sabbath, anger, aging parents, money, costs, cleaning and chores, etc. etc. etc.

TO BE PRACTICAL

It might seem crazy, impractical - but I think families and/or couples should meet once a month - go for an hour or less - never going over 1 hour - having one person by name in charge as monitor - and having one other  member - as secretary with a spiral note pad - and hopefully at a second meeting - the notes from that earlier meeting will be read out for starters.

Let's be honest, we don't follow up.

CONCLUSION

The title of my homily is, “Family Conversations.” 

Have you ever said in frustration: this place is a zoo. We have elephants in our living room, alligators in our basement, pit bulls roaming the house and as a result we have stuff that needs to be cleaned up - and there is no plastic bag big enough for the clean up.

As a family, why not talk about having that conversation - about having Family Conversations?

December 31, 2017

DOOR KNOB

I turned the door knob.

It was locked.
I rang the bell.
No luck.

I knocked on the door.

Nobody answered.

I looked under the mat.

There was no key there.

I looked in the window.

It seemed nobody was inside.

I went around the back.

Nothing was open.

Well, there is always next year.

© Andy Costello, Reflections  2017

PLEASE  WRITE

INTRODUCTION

The title of my homily for this Sixth Day within the Octave of Christmas  is, “Please Write.”

Last night I got that thought after reading today’s first reading from the First Letter of John 2: 12-17

We heard in today’s first reading 6 times “I am writing” or “I write to you.”

So an obvious message for a short reflection this morning is, “Please write.”

THE OTHER NIGHT

On Thursday night I caught a Book TV program in which Charles Gibson, the old Television guy, interviews David McCullough.

They began talking about how the writing of diaries - memoirs - journals has sort of disappeared.

McCullough asked: “Do you want to last forever?  Do you want to be historic? Keep a journal and when you finish, get it into an archives and people will be reading you for ages to come because you’ll be it - the only thing written.

Then McCullough - in talking about his research when  writing his historic books on John Adams and Harry Truman and others - how wonderful it was to read countless diaries and memoirs and journals and letters, about the times and places and situations people  found themselves in.

Each diary takes one into a different era and a different place.

What would it be like to be living in a small house in Ohio or Indiana in 1790? If we read diary entries about that period, we’ll read about what was going on in people’s lives and minds.

GOSPELS AND LETTERS

Well, thank God people wrote down the sayings and stories of Jesus - like today’s gospel from Luke about Anna the Prophetess - telling everyone in the temple in Jerusalem who were awaiting redemption - here he is - our redeemer.

And we noticed in Matthew the other day that the holy family headed for Egypt - and Luke has them going back to Nazareth - and because of that written discrepancy we know what kind of writing Luke and Matthew were giving - especially that Jesus was seen as the New Moses - and had to get him to Egypt - to connect Jesus with those writings.

And thank God we have all these letters from the Early Church that tell us what was going on then.

PLEASE WRITE

Get a good ball point pen and a good spiral pad and write your life - whom you met - what you saw.

David McCulllough the other night said that John Adams or someone in that time wrote, “I went into this room yesterday to think.”

He then implied in his writings we don’t do enough of that ourselves.

I think we do - but we don’t write down what we think - or we do on twitter and facebook - and it’s stuff we really don’t think out.

And to contradict myself, I keep reading that everything on the internet lasts - but there is no access  - unless Robert Mueller  and his team will be investigating us.

December 30, 2017

FORGIVENESS

Forgiveness is the get to get.

Forget everything else as Hafiz

the Persian poet from way back

in the 1300’s put it. “Forgiveness

is the cash you need” “to craft

your falcon wings / and return

to your true realm, our true realm

of divine freedom.”* Jesus got

this - along with Hafiz - along

with anyone who wants true

freedom and to live with empty 

hands without rocks.

© Andy Costello, Reflections  2017

*Cf. A Year With Hafiz, released by Daniel Ladinsky 

into English and entited Daily Contemplations 

[Penguin Books, 2010] page 354, November 18.

December 29, 2017

PAUSE

To pause is good - before we throw words

or  rocks or respond or react to another.

To pause is good - when we think we know

why another said or did what they did.

To pause is good - when we are going to

buy a new car or house or horse or idea.

To pause is good - before we stop listening to

another because something they said, triggers 

a similar story in us which we want to tell.

To pause is good - when we are going to

pray - and so we say to God, “Before I start, 

is there anything you want to say to me?”

© Andy Costello, Reflections  2017

LIGHT  AND  DARKNESS 

DREAMS  AND  NIGHTMARES

INTRODUCTION

Today - on this feast of the Holy Innocents - I would like to reflect upon the basic themes of light and darkness.

They are big themes in all religions.

Another way of wording it could be, “dreams and nightmares”.

Each of us and all of us in both our own private world - as well as in our public world - experience both light and darkness - dreams and nightmares - good and evil - right and wrong - grace and sin - ying and yang.

FIRST READING

In today’s first reading John tells us this message very clearly. If we don’t admit that we make mistakes, that we sin, we’re liars. We’re in darkness and we don’t know it.

But in God, he tells us, there is no darkness.

Carl Jung, fools around with the thought of darkness in God, because of the themes and reality of sin and evil in the world as part of reality.

Other religions propose a God of evil and a God of good; a God of darkness and a God of Light.

John tells us that in God there is no darkness.

John of the Cross and Dionysius the Areopagite tell of the divine dark. I suspect that an evil dark doesn’t exist in God - but it does exist in us. So  I don’t know about this divine dark. Of course, when it comes to God, we are in the dark. And when it comes to us, we are often walking in darkness - especially when we sin.

THEME

So the theme of dreams and nightmares, light and darkness is in each of us.

GOSPEL

In the gospel for today we have Joseph and Herod. Joseph’s dream is to go to Bethlehem with Mary, to register and then to come back home to Nazareth. The trip began with a nightmare. There was no room in the inn for them. The trip ended with a nightmare: Herod’s plan is to kill all the males. In a dream, Joseph is given the light. Go to Egypt. All this stuff in Matthew are ways that Matthew brings in his theology - especially using OT stuff.

We’re all called to redemption  - to get out of slavery - Egypt - to go through the waters of Baptism - the Red Sea or Reed Sea - and to head for the Promised Land.

But let’s develop the darkness and light, nightmare and dream theme a bit more.

DENIAL

If we reflect  upon all this we have to admit that we do have dreams and nightmares. We often wake up in the morning in a dream, or just after a dream, and often we say at breakfast, “Wow did I have a weird dream last night.” And sometimes we wake up during the night in the middle of a nightmare.

ANALOGOUSLY

Analogously, we have to admit that sometimes we have dream days and nightmare experiences, when we are awake.

So dreams and this unconscious life are going on 24 hours.

PLANE CRASH

A plane ride is sometimes seen as a dream.  We look ahead to a warm place in the middle of a cold winter. We’re going to have a dream trip - a dream vacation.

Beautiful.

Then - sometimes there is a nightmare. It’s snowing big time in Erie or Chicago and our flight from BWI or wherever - is cancelled because of flight delays - because of the weather.

RELATIONSHIP

A relationship looks beautiful. Sometimes it becomes a nightmare.

GLEN CLOSE

I remember reading an article about Glen Close the actress in U.S.A. once. She said she was  the good girl in the movie, The Natural, and The World According to Garp, and some other movies. She said she wanted to play the part of someone who is evil. So that’s what she got when she played the evil Alex in the movie, Fatal Attraction. Then there is her movie, Dangerous Liaisons - which is all about Good and Evil.

JOE LEDDY

A guy I know - Joe Leddy once said, “A professor at Manhattan used to say that all of us could become Francis of Assisi or Joseph Stalin."

All people, all trips, all plans, all days, can become a dream or a nightmare.

ALFRED HITCHCOCK

Alfred Hitchcock thrived on all this, loving to point out, the possibility of danger in a quiet country motel or on the symbol of security, Mount Rushmore.

SHADOW

Surprise. Who knows what evil lurks in the hearts of men? The Shadow knows.

OPTIMIST -- PESSIMIST

Does one become a pessimist or remain an optimist?

I would suggest being a realist.

Trust but verify.

SELF

As regards self, to admit that I could be like Herod and become filled with bitter jealousy, fear, bitterness, lack of trust, those feelings taking over, and I end up destroying innocent life.  Or I can become like Joseph: a rescuer.

CONCLUSION

The title and theme of this homily for this feast of the Holy Innocents has been, Light and Darkness,  Dreams and Nightmares.

Often we are in the dark. So we need Christ the light of the world.

Look at the history of the world and see what happened when Christ came into our world. Amen.

Here's an E-Christmas Card - Christmas in a Child's Gaze

from the Redemptorists 

in Australia.