FAMILY  CONVERSATIONS

INTRODUCTION

The title of my homily is, “Family Conversations.”

Today we’re celebrating the Feast of the Holy Family.

I assume the call is to look at our family life and have a conversation on the question: “How are we doing?”  And then plan and work to make things better - if better is called for and agreed upon.

YESTERDAY - AT A WEDDING

I got the idea for this homily  from something a couple mentioned to me in a conversation we had yesterday at a wedding reception.

We were just standing there talking - at the tiny food time - hors d'oeuvres  - before the sit down dinner. It's the part of the wedding reception that I like the most. It's because it’s before the blast of the music. It’s when people can talk to each other. “How are you doing? What’s new? What’s happening? Haven't seen you in 100 years.”

Yesterday, this couple was telling me  that they used to do marriage preparation. This was years ago - up in New York - out on Long Island.

They said that 4 couples - who were to be married - would come to their house for 4 sessions - on 4 different nights. Their two sons loved it because around 5 PM they would say, “What are the goodies for tonight mom?”

This couple said, “Looking back we learned the most from doing this - more than the couples heading for marriage.”

How many times have we heard, the teacher learns the most - the preacher as well - hopefully.

Another couple who used to do this in Chicago had told me what they learned from helping with marriage preparation. It was this: the most important moment for most couples was when they asked a couple to say their vows - in a practice session - out loud to each other.

After hearing that, when I meet with couples, I’ve do that with every couple. I learned.

Well this couple yesterday said, “Couples told us that the most important thing they learned in their marriage preparation sessions with us was the drive home after  the evening sessions. They said they would be talking about stuff from that evening - stuff they had never talked about before.

If you’re married here's a question for you today: when was the last best conversation you and your spouse?"  What triggered it? What were the questions that came up? How did the conversation go? Any follow up?

SPECIFIC ISSUES

In thinking about this - last night - while putting together this homily  - I asked: “What are the key topics for conversation in marriage and family life?”

Obviously, the first question is the January government question: “The state of the union address - the state of the state address - or what have you.”

It’s the “How are we doing question?”

It's a good, "New Year's question."

My first week - in my first  assignment - Most Holy Redeemer Parish - on the Lower East Side of New York - a couple were coming in to talk about their upcoming marriage. I had just got out of the seminary and I had no clue about marriage. I was to find out I had no clue about anything.  That afternoon I just happened to pick up the New York Daily News and the Inquiring Photographer was a regular feature in that paper. A question was asked and 4 people would answer it. It was underneath  their photograph. Well, that day the question was about marriage and someone said, “The top three problems in marriage are: money, sex and in-laws.” Well, I told that couple that comment that night and they paused and said, “Wow! You’re right.” That was 1967.  Is that still right?

There’s a specific question for a couple to begin a conversation with: “What are our three top questions.”

When I am on Kairos' Retreats with our high school kids - St. Mary’s Kids - I’ve been on 34 of them so far - and a lot more retreats - with a lot more people before coming here - one of my first questions I ask kids in any small group I get: “What do meals look like in your family?”

I think every family needs to reflect on that question.

My second question would be “expectations”.

What do we expect around here?

Then after getting expectations - I like to ask people to add adjectives.

Key adjectives would be: unrealistic, unknown [as in I didn’t know that - or you never brought that up before].  Other adjectives would be: fair, unfair, changed….

The third question would be a fishing expedition. Okay, what else do we need to address. This could  bring up topics like time together, vacations, the Sabbath, anger, aging parents, money, costs, cleaning and chores, etc. etc. etc.

TO BE PRACTICAL

It might seem crazy, impractical - but I think families and/or couples should meet once a month - go for an hour or less - never going over 1 hour - having one person by name in charge as monitor - and having one other  member - as secretary with a spiral note pad - and hopefully at a second meeting - the notes from that earlier meeting will be read out for starters.

Let's be honest, we don't follow up.

CONCLUSION

The title of my homily is, “Family Conversations.” 

Have you ever said in frustration: this place is a zoo. We have elephants in our living room, alligators in our basement, pit bulls roaming the house and as a result we have stuff that needs to be cleaned up - and there is no plastic bag big enough for the clean up.

As a family, why not talk about having that conversation - about having Family Conversations?