DOUBTING  THOMAS

My name is Thomas - but I have been nicknamed or dubbed - “Doubting Thomas.” There was a reason for the nickname. I tend to doubt. Yes - that’s me - no doubt about it.

I’m a twin - and maybe you’re my twin too - that is, if you’re a doubter as well.

Now, it takes all kinds of folks - to make this world work. We need those who are sure, who have lots of faith, but I also believe doubters have a place in life’s schemes and life’s scenes. Being a doubter, I’m aware that’s a self-serving comment. However,  at times I inwardly thought  that those who were so sure of themselves, would be better off, if they had a doubt every once and a while. And I’m  sure when I voice my doubts, some wished I would be quiet and accept with faith and good will someone else’s word for some understandings about life. So when it comes to faith - and what we hope for, I’m one of those who tends to have doubts.

Hey you heard the saying, “What would Jesus do?”  Well, after all, Jesus picked me. Did he have any doubts about me - or any of us - including Judas? I would think so. At least, I know, I would. As I looked around at those of us he picked, to be honest, I had my doubts - especially why he picked me.

When Jesus said he was going to leave us - that he was going to go prepare a place for us - when he said, “There are many rooms in my Father’s house or mansion” - when he said, “I am the Way, the Truth and the Life,” John in his gospel gives me credit for saying out loud, “Lord, we do not know where you are going, so how can we know the way?” I don’t remember saying that, but I thanked John  for giving me  the credit. To be honest, I might have said, “Jesus I have no idea what you’re talking about.”

Thinking about all this - and this was long afterwards, I’d like to think that Jesus picked me because I wasn’t scared to bring up questions others were not asking.

Hey, it’s important to voice one’s doubts when everyone agrees or everyone seems to be so sure of themselves. I think it’s important to be able to say in any given situation, “Wait a minute!” or “What about?” “What are the consequences?” or “Can you explain that again. I’m missing something?”

Hey! What happened to all those people whom Jesus fed? Where were they when Jesus was caught and crucified? I listened to Jesus and I listened very carefully. If I heard him correctly, he knew that miracle and food followers - could be shallow followers. They were not there for faith - but for food and miracles.

On Palm Sunday they are praising Jesus - by Friday they are screaming, “Crucify him!”

So if you want to know why I have doubts, there it is, my take on people - including myself.

So have some doubts - or think about whether my way is a good way to do life. Or do doubters have any choice - if their nature is to doubt? I wonder about that too. Why are we the way we are? Where do our peculiarities and particularities come from?

And when you’re a doubter or a questioner, expect comments and criticism. My skin is not that tough - so it hurt a bit  to hear comments made about me the whole week after the other apostles and disciples in the Upper Room claimed to have seen Jesus risen after his death.

I wanted to put my hand in the place in his hands where there were nail marks - and poke my finger into his side. Then I would believe.

It’s a tough week after someone dies. It’s a tough week after one’s plans and hopes were crucified and crushed that day on the cross.

I left a lot to follow Jesus. I was slowly realizing he was the Way, the Truth and the Life - but I wasn’t there yet. I was wondering if he was my Lord and my God  - but I wasn’t there yet - and then he’s killed - and that made me feel rather empty.

Peter and Andrew, James and John, knew about fishing all night and catching nothing. Fishermen need to be dreamers - but they better be realists as well. Coming home with empty nets and an empty boat is not a pretty sight - especially when they have families to feed - especially when one sees the buyers on the beach - and one has nothing to sell them.  They just want to get past disappointed faces - get some sleep - and try again that night.

So that’s a bit of my story and what I was thinking that following Sunday when Jesus did appear again in the Upper Room. This time I was there. He singled me out. He asked me to put my fingers into the nail holes and into his side. I did. I did and I believed - and I shouted out, “My Lord and my God.” Then he gave a new beatitude, “Blessed are those who have not seen and have believed.”

Good beatitude - but I’m here for all those who need some seeing - in order to believe. In fact, I wish Jesus would have given another new beatitude, “Blessed are those who doubt, because when they believe, it’s much deeper!”

Yet, I have some doubts about that. So when I get to heaven - and because of Jesus I believe there is one - but sometimes, I have my doubts - sorry to say that in public, but if you know me by now, I’m honest. So when I get to heaven, I’m going to ask Jesus - or his Father -  if I can stand at a side gate. Peter - the one who was always so sure of himself - he can have the main spot at the main Pearly Gates. Just give a small side gate.  I’ll wait for all those doubters who didn’t believe there was even a heaven. And I’ll welcome them into paradise - letting them slip in a side gate.

Now, that sounds a bit flippant and something off the books, so you might have some doubts whether I can pull this off, but you can be sure that’s one of the first things I’m going to try to do when I get to see Jesus again. He owes me for being a set up to pronounce his new beatitude.

And I know some have got the name of this Sunday changed to “Divine Mercy Sunday” - when it had been called, “Doubting Thomas Sunday” for centuries, for the longest time. Time will tell which one lasts.

Mercy or forgiveness that leads to Peace certainly is a key message to always remember - but let me repeat. There are a lot of people who are doubters - and I doubt that will ever change. And they need to hear about someone like me: Doubting Thomas. Here I am at your service. I made it. You can make it too.

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The painting on top is by Caravaggio and the story above is my attempt to reflect upon the gospel for this Second Sunday after Easter gospel: John 20: 19-31. Last week, Easter Sunday, I preached about faith. I believe that this Sunday after Easter, also called "Doubting Thomas Sunday" was here for a deep purpose: there are people who have doubts!

IF THIS IS TRUE,

I HAVE A PH.D. 

IN DOUBT.

April  15,  2012

Quote for Today

"I respect faith but doubt is what gets you an education."

Wilson Mizner

BACH

OPENING UP

ALL THE STOPS!

April  14,  2012

Quote for Today

"Bach opens a vista 
to the universe.
After experiencing him,
people feel 
there is meaning
to life after all."

Helmut Walcha

               PRAYING

He was praying all the way home….

He was scared at what his wife had
just said on the phone about their son….

"Our life is about to change," she said.
Their son's marriage had just fallen apart ….

"Oh, my GOD, there are children involved.

Oh my GOD, what did we do wrong?
Now what? Now what? Now what?"

"Oh my GOD," he realized, “I’m always

praying to YOU without knowing it.

I’m always praying to YOU? I'm scared.

Does everybody do this to YOU too?
Does everybody come running to YOU
when hurting - like a child whose
parents have just broken apart? GOD!
Now what? Now what? Now what?”

© Andy Costello, Reflections 2012

WONDERING

She was wondering ….

At the playground she was wondering,

“Who is that mother over there - the one

with the cell phone?” She wondered

whom was she talking to - for these

ten, twenty, thirty minutes - at least.

Laughing. Lots of laughing.

The whole time she was pushing

her little girl on the park swing -

steady, steady - swinging

her little girl up high into the air -

towards the sky. Yet it seemed she

really was not  here in this tiny park

at the bottom of our street. It seemed

she was not seeing her daughter’s face -

who was tasting, feeling, eating the air -

as she went through space. Talk

about multi-tasking. All the while

her mom was still on the phone.

Then her mom took her to the slide

helped her to the top of the ladder -

picked her up at the bottom a

half dozen times - and let her slide

down again and again and again.

It seemed she was missing seeing

her daughter’s face on every ride

that she took her too. Surprise.

Then she realized that she too

was somewhere else. She was

watching the lady with the phone

and she missed ten, twenty, thirty,

looks and waves from her son on

swings and then the slide and then

in a duel with sticks with two other

little boys - over at the edge of the

tiny park. Then she wondered:

“Are we always somewhere else?

Are we all always wondering

about someone else’s somewhere

or someone else and miss those

swinging or sliding right in front of us?”

© Andy Costello, Reflections 2012

LYING

She was watching TV ….

She was watching these 5 candidates - 

all running for the same political office.

She began to notice the times they put

their hand to their face. Was it because 

they knew -  that what they were saying -

wasn’t them. It was something they were

told to say - to do better in the polls.

They would rub an ear or take their index finger

and scratch the skin below an eye,

or pat down the back of their head -

or with 2 fingers and their thumb

itch their chin a bit. She said to her husband,

“Did you ever notice how politicians

are always touching their face in a debate

or during a question and answer session?”

Without looking out from behind his paper,

he said, "Lots of times."  And he rubbed

the edge of his nose. Then she added,

“I think that guy who made Pinocchio had it right.

They usually touch their nose.

Who said we need lie detectors?”

And sure enough 1 of the 5 dropped out

of the race 3 days later. Someone checked up

on something he said and found out it was false.

© Andy Costello, Reflections 2012

       CLIMBING

He was a priest.

He wanted to be one

ever since his second year in college ….

He was ordained at the age of 29 and immediately

was sent to study Church or Canon Law ….

He worked in the Bishop’s office for 22 years ….

He wore the French cuffs….

He always said the right stuff….
His shoes were always shiny black.

He never stepped on toes.
He was made a bishop in his early 50’s ….

He was moved to a bigger diocese at 55 ….

His desk was always neat ….

He never sat in the wrong seat ….

He was moved to Rome at 60 ….

He saw important people every day ….

He was made a Cardinal at 63 ….

He started to cry at 66 ….

He didn’t know what it was or why ….

He thought his empty room was too, too empty….

He thought the Roman ceilings were too, too high….

He picked up a book at an airport once -

Selected Poems by Langston Hughes

and read the following poem,

MOTHER TO SON

Well, son, I’ll tell you:

Life for me ain’t been no crystal stair.

It’s had tacks on it,

And splinters,

And boards torn up,

And places with no carpet on the floor --

Bare.

But all the time

I’se been a-climbin’ on,

And reachin’ landin’s,

And turnin’ corners,

And sometimes goin’ in the dark

When there ain’t been no light.
So boy, don’t you turn back.

Don’t you set down in the steps

‘Cause you finds it’s kinder hard.

Don’t you fall now --

For I’se still goin’, honey,

I’se still climbin’

And life for me ain’t been no crystal stair.

He put down the book

and cried all the way back to Rome -

wishing he had a home somewhere ….

He was named Pope the following year ….

He became a father and a mother

for the first time in his life ….

And he slowly knew why he was crying

and why he was climbing - - finally

after all those years  ….

© Andy Costello, Reflections 2012