WHAT DO WE EXPECT?
At the heart of every difficulty we have with others is the problem of expectations. We feel that our problem people should act differently. “Why can’t they change?” “Why can’t they be the way we expect them to be?” “Why don’t they live up to our expectations?”
As we saw in the last chapter, a good counselor will help us to realize that “people problems” are the main problems everyone faces. If we ask any manager, bishop, bus driver, usher, teacher, they will all tell us that “thing problems” are easy; it’s “people problems” that disturb them and take up most of their energy.
When we reveal our problem to a counselor, what we are actually saying is the following: “This other person (Nancy, Tom, our son-in-law, our husband/wife) is not living up to our expectations. We are expecting a rose garden, but maybe they never promised us one.”
College students expect the final exams to deal only with questions that were stressed in class. Husbands expect their wives to have the same sexual outlook as they do. Parents expect their children to marry persons only after their final approval. Grandparents expect their children and their children’s children to drop in at least once a month, or at least to give them a call. Idealists expect other people to live up to their idealistic principles, and complain when people don’t.
Problems in this area can arise in various ways:
a. When our expectations are not met.
b. When we try to force people to meet our expectations.
c. When we begin to believe it’s our fault that other people are not living up to our expectations.
d. When we start to think that certain other people don’t like or love us when they fail to live up to our expectations.
e. When we are not aware of our own or others expectations.
Every person then is a box of expectations. As we have already seen, we need someone, a good friend, a counselor who will get us to open up that box and pour the contents out on the table. We need to become aware of our own expectations.
REASONABLE AND UNREASONABLE EXPECTATIONS
Some of our expectations are reasonable and some are unreasonable. This is basic common sense, but often it is not understood. So we continue to be frustrated with wives, husbands, children, teachers, leaders, because they are not living up to the expectations we set up for them to meet. What’s worse, we never tell them.
To help us sort out our thinking in this area, here is a list of questions to answer. A simple R (for reasonable) or U (for unreasonable) will do.
· Is it reasonable or unreasonable for Catholic parents to think it’s their fault that a son got divorced and is now getting remarried to a divorced woman?
· Is it reasonable or unreasonable to expect people never to have bad days?
· Is it reasonable or unreasonable to presume that people will make mistakes while driving, have accidents, and even cause deaths?
· Is it reasonable or unreasonable to expect husbands and wives to change and develop new ideas, dream new dreams, and set new values after they are married?
· Is it reasonable or unreasonable for a mother to expect her son and daughter-in-law to drop over with the children every Sunday afternoon?
· Is it reasonable or unreasonable for parents to think it’s their fault that their children no longer attend church services?
· Is it reasonable or unreasonable to expect a 67-year-old priest to celebrate Mass like a 27-year-old priest?
Most of the above questions can be answered without any difficulty. But despite this, some of our own answers will differ from those of others. We all have different expectations; and various circumstances in our personal lives will color what we think is reasonable or unreasonable. This is why it is so important to talk over our problems and expectations with a close friend. He or she will help us discover what is best for all concerned.
Let’s look now at three areas of our lives where expectations -reasonable and unreasonable - play such an important part.
In Marriage Relationships
On their wedding day brides and grooms say, “I do” with many and varied expectations in mind. If they reach their 25th Wedding Anniversary, they may repeat their vows in a solemn ceremony. What has happened to their young dreams and expectations? Some of them have been realized, some not. It is hoped that through the years their expectations have become more realistic, and that they themselves and their dreams are now being fulfilled.
Twenty-five years of living together ought to make a difference. Each day should make a difference. Marshall McLuhan once said that marriage, like any other relationship “must be remade by the contracting parties every day. It’s a terrible illusion in many people’s lives that if they don’t match each other exactly, they ought to break up. They don’t seem to consider the possibility of making as an alternative to matching.”
William James, an American psychologist and philosopher, wrote: “Whenever two people meet, there are really six people present. There is each man as he sees himself, each man as the other person sees him, and each man as he really is.” This same idea is also true of marriage. Soon after the wedding day, both partners begin to discover:
He is different than she thought he was.
She is different than he thought she was.
He is different than he thought he was.
She is different than she thought she was.
Movements like Marriage Encounter encourage couples to discuss this point with each other. Did Joe fall in love with the real person of Jane or only with the mask she presented before marriage? Did Jane fall in love with the real Joe? It is an unreasonable expectation for couples to enter marriage thinking that they have fully discovered their real identities. That’s why both partners need a good sense of adventure and a good sense of humor. They also need the good sense to communicate with each other – especially concerning their expectations in the major areas of marriage: money, sex, and in-laws. Married couples should, therefore, arrange for sufficient time on a regular basis to clarify all the expectations they have of each other.
Unfortunately, however, many married people spend frustrating years fuming inwardly, talking to themselves and not talking to their partners about their lives together. Their bodies may be friends, but their emotions are total strangers.
Divorce spells out the ultimate announcement that two people have not met each other’s expectations. It could also mean that they have given up trying to clarify or renegotiate their expectations of each other. In any case, boredom has set in. The dream they had on their wedding day has become a nightmare. They want out.
In Family Relationships
Often, the most difficult people in children’s lives are their parents. Often, too, the most difficult people in parents’ lives are their children.
Much is expected from people who live in community. When these people are family, expectations increase a thousand fold. So children have huge expectations of their parents, and parents have huge expectations of their children.
Some are reasonable expectations; some are unreasonable. If ever there is a need for reflecting, talking things over with each other, and discussing problems with a counselor, it is here in this area of relationships between parents and children.
And the problems do not always cease when Junior goes off to college or gets married or leaves home. There are too many people in their fifties still trying to live up to the unreasonable expectations of their parents - sometimes long after their parents have died. And, on the other hand, there are people in their thirties making unreasonable demands of their parents. They expect parents to be permanent stand-by baby sitters or they constantly impose on their parents when, through their own stupidity, they are in a bind. “Good ole dad and mom will bail us out again.” There are people in their fifties who still get angry with a parent who asks how things are going. They seem to think it unreasonable for parents to show that they still love them.
Perhaps we have met doctors, lawyers, nuns, teachers who are unhappy in their professions. They “chose” these careers because “mommy” or “daddy” expected them to do so. Their unhappiness stems from resentment of their parents and anger at themselves for not speaking out when they had the chance. Most of us, too, have met people who married a “second choice” because the first choice didn’t come up to their parents’ expectations. Countless novels, plays, movies, and afternoon TV stories are based on such unfortunate circumstances. And the same dramas are being acted out daily in the homes and I hearts of numerous families. Sometimes there is an even more complicated “soap opera” taking place in a given home than on the television screen.
Expectations of parents and children cause many of life’s difficulties. Each generation – like each country – wants to be free, to be liberated. Parents need to cut the umbilical cord and the apron strings. Children need to go to school, to camp, to college; they need to be exposed to all the traditional ways of learning so they can discover for themselves how to stand alone – away from mom and dad and home.
We all can learn much from a certain film recently produced for teenagers and parents. It is about a mama bear and her two baby bears. When she feels they are big enough to be on their own, she leads them to a big tree and makes them climb it. Then she starts to move away. Naturally, the cubs climb back down the tree to follow their mama. But mama bear turns and growls at them. They scramble back up the tree. Once more mama bear moves away. The cubs cling to the tree and watch her disappear into the woods. But she is only hiding. Both cubs wait a bit longer and then slowly climb down the tree to go in search of mama. But mama bear comes roaring out of the bushes and scares them up the tree once again. The same thing happens a third time. Then the film shows the mama bear walking away alone into the woods. Her two little ones are now on their own.
Teenagers are usually fascinated by this film. They know (perhaps they can’t put it in words) that this story is their story.
The ancient Greek dramatists taught a corresponding lesson in their plays. When adolescent boys and girls in ancient times went to see a play like Orestes, they saw on the stage what was happening in their hearts and minds. They discovered through a play that we all have guilt feelings about wanting to leave home: that it’s normal to want to be free, and that it’s normal for parents to hold back.
Letting go and holding on – these are the problems parents and children must face. Behind the questions of curfew, drinking, drugs, school marks, allowance, use of the car, dating, college, marriage, visits from the children, and old age loneliness is this ever-present dilemma of expectations.
In Parish Relationships
Besides marriage and family relationships, another key area where this issue of expectations presents itself is the local parish.
People often expect a priest who is quite limited in his speaking ability to preach homilies he really cannot give. Mr. Michael Perfection sits there in church on a given Sunday, frustrating himself with this unreasonable expectation he has of Father Severity. The following Sunday he goes to a later Mass hoping the homilist will be a different priest. But who walks down the aisle? Yes, it’s Father Severity again. So Mr. Perfection uses his head. The next Saturday, he has his young daughter call the rectory to ask which Mass Father Younger will be celebrating. He attends the 11:30 Mass with high expectations about Father Younger. Once more he hears a poor homily. Father Younger just didn’t have it that day. This time Mr. Perfection is really angry, because he knows Father Younger can preach well. He has bragged about him to the men at work. (But if Mr. Perfection really thought about it, he would remember that Father Younger preaches well only on those few Sundays following his return from his yearly retreat.)
Often at parish council meetings this problem of reasonable and unreasonable expectations presents difficulties. People expect the pastor to do this and say that. Above all, he is not allowed to talk about money. If he does that, four people will get mad. Others expect the meeting to end at 9:00 P.M. sharp, as agreed upon, and it’s now 9:24. Three people sit there angry, because that nun over there is not wearing her veil. The president is angry at five people who aren’t even there. Three of those five actually prepared the agenda and never even showed up or called. The rest are uptight because Nancy (remember her) won’t shut up!
The whole parish council, perhaps the whole parish, should reserve a special time for talking over their expectations of each other. Some groups have tried this. They take a large piece of paper and tape it to the wall. On the top they put in bold letters words like, “PASTOR” or “USHERS” or “NUNS” or “PARISH COUNCIL MEMBERS.” Each member of the group then declares what he or she expects of the above persons and their roles. After all have had their say, the entire group votes by placing an “R” (for reasonable) or a “U” (for unreasonable) after each expectation.
Would it be possible for every parish to do something like this? This may be an unreasonable expectation - because it demands a huge amount of trust. It would depend very much upon the people involved. If the parish council president or the pastor or a few of those present are extremely difficult people, they might kill the idea immediately. And if Sister No-veil is present, she might be crushed if people listed their expectations of “NUNS” as “always available” - only to hear someone say: “But that’s unreasonable. She’s never around here on weekends.”
Some groups, however, have a high level of trust. They would be able to put names like, “Father Severity” or “Father Younger” or “Nancy” at the top of the list and be extremely fair in evaluating their expectations of each particular person. Many groups have not reached this stage of trust, but every group in a parish can at least start the ball rolling with: “Let’s check out all our expectations on this issue or for this program to see whether they are reasonable or
not.”
SUMMARY
Becoming aware of this dynamic of expectations – reasonable or unreasonable -will help clarify many issues involved in marriage, family, and parish relationships. If we find ourselves using these terms in everyday speech, then we’re beginning to work these ideas into our lives. If we find people starting to use them in response to us, then we know that communication is improving in our search for a better understanding of how to deal with difficult people.
© Andrew Costello,
Chapter 4
of How To Deal
With Difficult People, 1980
