January 8, 2022

 

SHAME  VS. THE REAL THING

 

God, to be honest, I do too many things out of shame.
 
Shame seems to be my predominant motive.
 
I don’t sin, because if I was caught, I’d be ashamed.
 
Too many times I’m here – not because I want to be here – but because I’d be ashamed not to be here.
 
Shame! Shame on me!
 
God what a façade I’m hiding behind.
 
Shame! Fear! Guilt!
 
These are pilots and co-pilots.
 
What should be my pilots and co-pilots are: Faith! Hope! and Charity!
 
They ought to hi-jack my plane.
 
But I don’t have the courage of my commitments and convictions
 
Better:  I’m not following my commitments or convictions.  I am following my fears.  I’m filled with guilt. I’m ashamed of my very motives – my basic being.
 
Do I then walk out?
 
Do I walk away?
 
Do I leave all?
 
I can’t.
 
Even though I’m here for the wrong reasons, people depend on me for the right reasons.
 
I told you this.
 
I’m admitting this.
 
Shame runs the engine in me.
 
God is that why you keep calling me into the desert?
 
Is that why you want me to make an Exodus?
 
Is that why you want me to cross the river – to climb the mountain – to retreat?
 
Sabbath, Exile, Exodus, are all so real, when I get right down to it.
 
40 years – 40 days – 4 days – 4 hours – 4 minutes – to let go – to be emptied.
 
Then to come out – as “Beloved” – doing all things - for all for the Lord’s reasons – the Lord’s way – clean and clear of shame.
 
Being ... doing... without shame... now that's the tricky trick ... how to be ... how to do that.
 

© Andy Costello, Reflections 2022