THE GREAT,

"IF I WERE POPE"
QUESTIONNAIRE.

It was the 100^th ballot and still there was no pope.

The Las Vegas and London betting establishments had long given up on just what ballot the white smoke would billow out of the small pipe on the roof of the Vatican - indicating, “Habemus papam!”

The well over 100 Cardinals could not break the deadlock. There were at least 10 horses in the race and nobody would budge ballot after ballot.

Finally after the 100^th ballot and still no pope, someone said, “Why not ask the Church what they want - because it seems we are not in agreement on what and who we want.”

At that, someone said, “You’re kidding! We never did that before!”

At that someone off to the side said, “Well it took us 700 years for another pope to step down and retire.”

“Well,” the first someone said, “Why don’t we put out a questionnaire and ask people to list 10 "must" qualifications they would like to see in a pope?”

Surprise! That’s what they did. Instead of white smoke indicating “Habemus papam!” out came a “We have a questionnaire!”

In the meanwhile the more than 100 cardinals took a 2 week break - no press allowed - no politicking allowed - no lobbying allowed. They were exhausted and some of these men were old men.

In came responses - millions and millions and millions of responses and suggestions - from all over the world - in all the languages of the world. Catholics are everywhere.

Seminarians and Sisters in Rome - under strict secrecy - were asked to sit there - open up the envelopes and put the enclosed questionnaires in piles of 100 - based on language only.

The suggestions - the recommendations -  were interesting, different, surprising, enlightening, and definitely a unique way of doing this.

The cardinals came back and spent three weeks reading and discussing these “must” qualifications from all over the world. Then it happened. They came up with a pope on the 101^st ballot.

The qualifications sheets were all shredded - but there was a leak. It happens every time. 

The last pope’s former butler - who was new to the job - discovered in a top drawer - in one of the rooms - a short list of qualifications  that some cardinal must have jotted down from the various lists. Why? We don’t know. Some of them had circles around them - some had notes like “You’re kidding!” Some had exclamation points and question marks. Some had stars. One had an "Uh oh!" on it.

This list got out. Someone screamed for an investigation. The new pope, who was not going to have a butler or a maid, calmly said, "Relax!"

So here's the list that some think one cardinal simply jotted down from lots of different lists:

·        Must be under 64 years of age.

·        Must be from a second or third world country.

·        Must have shopped in a grocery store or supermarket at least 37 times in their life.

·        Must come from a large family.

·        Must know the luminous mysteries of the Rosary.

·        Must be married.

·        Must declare for the next 2000 years the church will only have women priests and God will be called “She” - to see how women will do with the church compared to what men did for the past 2000 years.

·        Must know 15 parables of Jesus by heart - can explain the story in one’s own words - and how it has worked out in one's life.

·        Must have a sense of humor.

·        Must put an end to all the hats - and expensive pageantry type garments for liturgy and worship.

·        Must speak at least 2 languages.

·        Must know and have talked to someone who has a family member who is gay, someone who has committed suicide, someone who has had an abortion.

·        Must have taught religious education to kids under 10 years of age.

·        Must have been a leader in a labor union, or at a school, parish, or neighborhood.

·        Must be a good listener

•     Must have skills in compromising, building solidarity, and consultation.

·        Must be someone who when receiving complaints about someone’s theology or outlook on life - that complaint be sent back to the complainer or if no signature - shred it. If there is a signature and address, then ask both parties, "Do they want to sit down together and hear each other’s stories?"

·        Come up with new ways of selecting the pope and bishops - maybe eliminating cardinals - or what have you.

·        Must call a new World Council that will be held in a 3^rd World Country - and the whole Church is to be involved in the process. This council will have to address how to better help the poor of the world - abuse in all its forms - peace efforts - marriage improvements - how to encourage having more children over more stuff - greater dialogue with all religions and with people of no religion - the shortage of nuns, brothers and priests - and the many creative ways to build up the Body of Christ.

So on the 101^st Ballot - white smoke arose from the small chimney in the Vatican.

The small crowd  in St. Peter’s Square - mostly press - were surprised when they saw the smoke.

They began yelling, “Habemus papam” into their cell phones - and to each other. Then - as they saw who the new pope was - their chant switched to “Habemus mama! Habemus mama!” 

Our new pope was a woman.  She was a 56 year old widow and grandmother from Paraguay in South America. She spoke Spanish, Guarani and some Portuguese. She raised 8 children - had 36 grand kids - and had worked as a community organizer in her small city in Paraguay. And as Pope or Mother she kept her own name - her baptismal name.

© Andy Costello, Reflections 2013