SUICIDE
Suicide kills not just the person who kills him or herself.
The person is found. Sometimes there is a note;
sometimes there isn’t. Ugh. Ugly. Horror. Mess.
Help! Scream! Now what? What now?
The blood flows onto the floor: the tile, the wood,
or the rug - then down through the floorboards -
down into the basement where the next generation
lives. Suicide seeps down deep, so down, down, deep.
Blood - dark red blood is its color. After that
suicide is very difficult to explain. Words are tried.
Words are blurted out with tears - with closed fists -
along with guilt and, “Why didn’t I talk to him - to her?”
“Why didn’t - she - he - know I would try to understand
or be a shelter - a hiding place - a chair of comfort?
With suicide along come words and feelings: anger,
depression, wanting to disappear - failure, mistakes -
guilt, shame, hurt, hatred. With suicide sometimes
there is just silence. Sometimes we have no words.
We have no idea what happened. It’s hard to form
and sculpt questions made of barbed wire or venom
or what have you. There is so much of the unknown.
Or maybe their mind was mixed up because of drugs
or medicine. Sometimes that warning is on the side
of the bottle. Suicide can be a side effect - that
nobody picked up on - and the person killed themselves -
with a brain gone confused. Too bad the label wasn’t
on a face - but it’s always too, too late - after the jump
or the rope or the gun or the pills or the poison.
It’s not a relief, but we certainly are more understanding
or sympathetic about suicide than 100 years ago.
Yes, people kill themselves. Yes, people don’t want
to face the future with a sickness or a guilt or an
anger or a hatred stabbing their heart or wrists.
I once saw a man shoot himself in the mouth -
in a cemetery near Covington,
Louisiana. This
happened in the same burial place as Walker Percy -
who wrote and thought deeply about suicide -
having had several people in his family kill themselves.
It was just the two of us - in the early morning quiet.
I didn’t know the man. I thought it was good
that he was standing under a stone statue
of the Blessed Mother. As I walked towards him -
now just 30 yards away from me - he put the gun
in his mouth. I was shocked as I heard the shot
and watched him fall to the ground.
I have always wished he saw me instead of
the stone statue above him. I wish he would
have hesitated. I don’t know what his wife
and kids went through before and after
the horror. I don’t know. I still don’t know.
I always hoped the Gospels would have a story
that Judas dropped the rope below the tree
he hung himself on and he came running to Jesus'
tree and fell on the ground before Jesus and
Judas would have heard an eight word from the cross
that would have helped him and people ever since
who have wanted to kill themselves. Amen.
© Andy Costello, Reflections
2012
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Painting on top: Suicide by Eduard Manet