MOM   SAW  MORE 

THAN  MOM  SAID 

[The  title of my reflection is, “Mom Saw More  Than  Mom Said.”  This is fiction - some reflections to trigger some thoughts for Mother’s Day 2019.]

It took years after their mom had died - for her 5 kids to see all they had missed - and some of  what their mom had seen when she was alive.

“What? Explain!”

Well …. Yeah ….  Well,  it would be phone calls - now and then - and cookouts  - dinners - get togethers - and a cruise with their dad for his 75^th birthday - and many other unplanned conversations - that the 5 kids had - that helped them to really get to know their mom - who she was and what she was about - as a mom  - as a wife - a grandmother - and especially as a gift to the human  race.

Most learnings - spoken observations - figurings - came after she had died at the age of 64 - cancer - but her 5 kids - like most kids - were figuring her out - backstage - slowly - long before that - along with their own lives - along with dad.

So I guess this is the way this sort of works in a lot of families. Not all. It all depends on the mom and her kids. But life is a jigsaw puzzle with lots of pieces - and you can’t do a jigsaw puzzle of thousands of pieces in a day.

Mom came from a family of 3 and dad from  a family of 5 - each being the exact middle child. Mom and dad didn’t go to college. Dad was a long distance truck driver and mom a secretary, a hair dresser, a ticket collector at a movie theater, a waitress, but especially a mother of 5 kids - 3 sons and 2 daughters.

She was also a collector. They found lots of  shoe boxes of photos of all 5 kids - plus their  report cards - plus graduation - first communion - confirmation and wedding programs - awards - some newspaper clippings where a kid was mentioned - even if it was just in tiny print - plus death memorial cards - plus obituaries - plus lots and lots and lots of other paper stuff.  Mom had her personal library or museum or hall of fame for her siblings, plus her kids, plus her grandkids - plus her friends - under beds, tops of closets, in the basement, and in old trunks. Yep, they had trunks.

And then there were the letters - and the cards.

She had saved every Mother’s Day card she ever got - plus birthday cards - plus love letters from dad to her. When they told dad this - he got nervous - very nervous. The truck driver was a gushy romantic. And there were letters from her 5 kids when they were in their first semester of college - then they stopped after that first year. Plus letters from when their youngest brother got into the marines. When told his letters still existed, he said, “Our sergeant made us write those letters.”

But this was mainly first, second and third level stuff.

Life has deeper stuff.

Now the gist of this reflection is what the fabulous 5 slowly put together on their take on their mom - well after she died.

Their take was just observations at first.

One would say something. There would be a pause. Then the other would give their take on that observation.

One of them would say something like, “Mom had her complaints about dad, but she never ever, ever,  ever once told them to us. She used to confide in her oldest sister Margo, who told me this after mom died.”

“She did? Wow.”

“Yeah, thinking back …  Margo told me something like that too - once.”

“Complaints? Like what?”

“Mom hated cigar smoke and cigar breath - and there was dad every Friday and Saturday evening out on the back porch - alone - on his rocking chair smoking - at least 3 cigars - and he would leave the remains in the ash tray back there - and mom hated - hated the chewy chewed up spitty tips of dead  cigars.”

“I didn’t know that.”

“And he was always last minute for everything: church, doctor’s appointments, card games, what have you.”

“Oh, I never noticed that.”

Of course they didn’t mention this to dad  - of it they did - with humor.

But the real mom observations and wisdom were deeper stuff than cigar tips.

“She never said anything about the people we dated - before or after we either married them or dropped them.”

“She never compared us or our kids with other kids.”

“She encouraged us - if we stayed in a job or tried  a new one - or a new school - she encouraged us.”

“I loved it - that mom always said, ‘You did your best!” even when we didn’t do our best.’”

And these wisdom observations about mom - were not eulogy stuff at a funeral Mass.  These were mainly at least 5 years after she died - observations and go  figurings - stuff.

“Mom didn’t say much, but when she said something, she said a lot.”

“But she saw more - much more than I ever saw, so when she said quick quips at times, I heard them.”

‘I think there’s some wisdom there - that mom had - ‘Say little and you’ll say a lot more than those who say a lot.’”

Finally, someone brought up the religion question.

“Dad didn’t say anything - because like mom - he didn’t say anything - knowing we had to figure out this kind of life stuff and God stuff on our own. Dad and mom went to Sunday Mass every Sunday throughout their marriage. Dad and mom hoped us kids would  get that message by example - that we need God every day of our lives - but some days - and sometimes -  much  more than others.”

Well the religion question came up big time on the cruise they took their dad on for his 75^th Birthday.

One night there - they were all together with dad  - all 5 of them - with their spouses - and nice cocktails - and a really nice mood - in a corner they cornered - in a lounge - on Deck 7 - that was quite quiet at the time.

They toasted dad - they thanked their dad - they toasted mom - and thanked their mom adding “with God”

Then dad - with tears in his eyes - and a drink in his hand - thanked them all.

“Thank you -  so, so much for this gift - this cruise. Wow! It’s been the best week of my life - so far.  It makes it all worthwhile. Thank you.”

They toasted each other again.

Then dad said, “Mom’s 10^th Anniversary - of her death - is coming up - this Thanksgiving.  What I would love is that all of you with your families - be at an Anniversary Mass I scheduled - that Thanksgiving morning.”

Surprise.  Now that was a surprise.

With that - some soft semi-conscious throat gulps happened - along with some more silence in the corner of that lounge.

And surprise that Thanksgiving - all went to that Anniversary Mass and surprise 3 of those  kids have started going to church again - and those 3 along with dad - are hoping the others get their faith back - that mom along with dad - and their parents passed down to them.

And he felt they were there out of gratitude - not out of guilt.  Amen.